Changing Perceptions Through Running Clothes --- A T-Shirt Can Change Perceptions

I just had a really great conference call with some of the folks at Atticus Circle (www.atticuscircle.org).  I'm astounded and touched by the support that I have received --- some of which comes from people I do not know and have never met.  This blog is about running, specifically about trying to become a runner, but it is also about me.  It relates to my thoughts, my beliefs, my emotions, and a whole slew of other issues that touch on who I am as a person, a pseudo runner/athlete, etc.

I am amazed that some people are still shocked/surprised that I am vocal about my support for this issue.  These are educated people; people who know other gay people and work beside them.  In all but one election in my life, I have always voted for the Republican candidate.  I have done so based on two issues --- Israel and the economy.  I have made so secret of that.  When it comes to social issues, though, I have always leaned to the left.  Most Republicans that I know think along the same lines that I do when it comes to this issue --- to gay rights and gay marriage.  Simple because I vote Republican doesn't mean that I am against gay rights and gay marriage.  Unfortunately, because of the actions and stupid and senseless comments of a select few (i.e. the religious right and the Tea Party Movement), all Republicans seem to be lumped into the category of being anti-gay.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  Personally, I have more difficulty understanding how Jewish Americans can vote for President Obama (because of his stance on Israel and the Middle East) than I do in understanding how Republicans can be in support of gay rights and gay marriage.

What can be done to change this incorrect perception?  I obviously can't do it alone.  The more people out there, people who vote Republican, who are vocal in their support of gay rights and gay marriage makes a huge impact.  It is so easy to wear a t-shirt from Atticus Circle that simply says, "Gay?  Fine By Me".  (Coincidentally, they can be purchased from Atticus Circle at www.atticuscircle.org.)  Until more people speak up and are vocal in support of this issue (and by more people I specifically mean more people who vote for the GOP), then the perceptions will not change and we will continue to be lumped in with the religions right and the Tea Party Movement.  So, I ask you to get involved.  Buy a t-shirt and wear it to the gym or when you are out running.  It will start conversations and it could lead to changing perceptions. 

I'm excited that my t-shirts are coming tomorrow.  I can't wait to train in them.  I'll certainly be wearing one for the half-marathon in December.

Pride, In More Ways Than One.

There was an amazing editorial/op-ed piece in the NY Times today by Frank Bruni.  http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/26/opinion/sunday/26bruni.html?_r=1  If you haven't read it yet, I have included the link.  I know that this blog is about running and things running related, but it is also about me.  Part of me is my opinions, beliefs, and values.  If you read this blog then you know that I am raising money for Atticus Circle (www.atticuscircle.org); the purpose of Atticus Circle is educating straight people about issues affecting the LGBT community.  I have gay friends; the fact that they are gay has little to no importance to me --- it is just a part of who they are.  They are my friends because of their respective character.  The fact they are gay is just kind of something that is there.  They have never forced the issue on me and have never tried to make it a political issue to me.

That being said, I have seen some of the struggles they have had to go through that I never will.  I've seen this most prominently in the area of marriage and children.  By being who they are --- living their lives in a way that anyone else would (and should be able to) --- they have taught me so many valuable lessons that I may never be able to adequately thank them for.  You see, without them, I might never have been able to really "see" the inequalities that I have become so passionate about.

NY did an amazing and monumental thing on Friday; something that was long overdue and that every state in this country should do.  I know there are people who disagree with me (and they are entitled to their opinions), however, I truly believe that even those who disagree with me would have a very difficult time holding onto those opinions if they really got to know a gay couple as a couple instead of a gay couple.

June is Gay Pride Month.  My understanding of the purpose behind Gay Pride Month (and I am open to comments) is that people should be proud of who they are and should not be forced to feel like second class citizens for any reason whatsoever.  OK, the next paragraph is going to be a bit of a leap --- I accept that, but just indulge me for a minute or so.

My cast came off on Friday and yesterday I took a 3.8 mile walk with my friend Mary.  I walked, didn't run, and it was hardly race walking.  My achilles was cramping and I felt embarrassed.  A month ago I was running a half marathon and yesterday I had trouble walking 3.8 miles.  I felt sloth like because I couldn't do what I wanted to.  But after thinking about it last night (and again today after another 4 mile walk) the truth is that I need to be proud of where I am in light of just having surgery less than a month today.

Pride is about being proud of who you are and where you are.  Being proud about where you are doesn't mean that you are always going be where you are at that minute, though.  I learned a really important lesson this weekend --- about myself and about my physical fitness --- and I learned it from the events in NY and from Gay Pride Month.  I learned to be proud of myself.

Mazel Tov to all of my LGBT friends and colleagues who can now legally marry in NY.  I hope and pray that California will follow NY's lead and that California is not the only state to make this important decision.

My first two walks weren't easy, but they are done.   They can only get easier.  God willing, a month from now, I will be able to run and not just walk.

The Cast Is Off And The Gauntlet Thrown

The walking cast is off.  I am excited.  My right shoe was excited to be reunited with the left shoe.  Only sneakers for the next month.  Still no running.  PT is still going to be painful.  The doctor said, as I left the office, "now the pain, I mean fun, begins." 

Last night Liberdy threw down the gauntlet; clearly she has learned that the way to motivate me is to challenge me and make me do everything possible in order to accomplish something others think is impossible.  I have until August 10 (when she returns to New Orleans) to accomplish this goal.  I will kill myself (within the limits set by the physicians and PT) to do so.  It is the jump start I needed, and she knows that.  She knows that I have been going crazy since May 29 when I crossed the finish line.

In the last few weeks, to help deal with my boredom, I have been doing a lot of reading about Steve Prefontaine.  Prefontaine said the following:

• "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."
• "You have to wonder at times what you're doing out there. Over the years, I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement."

I want to plaster these quotes anywhere I can think of to help motivate me over the coming weeks.  I am more determined than ever to embrace the pain, work through the pain (again, within the limits set by the medical profession so I don't hurt myself more), and be better as a result of it.  Because once I am able to really run again, nothing is going to stop me.  Watch out world, Liberdy has unleashed a competitor.

Running Quotes and Reflection.

I get tweets from @RunningQuotes on Twitter.  The ones that really make an impact I tend to retweet.  In the last few weeks, I have retweeted the following quotes:

• "Whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last you can say, 'I have finished.'"
• "Often I hear someone say I'm not a real runner.  We are all runners, some just run faster than others.  I never met a fake runner."
• "Some have natural talent, others make up for it with tremendous heart."
• "It is amazing what you can accomplish when you decide you can't be stopped."
• "Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still."
• "You present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start."

I've thought a lot about these quotes in the last few days, especially as I wondered whether I will be able to get back to where I was before the injury.  The thing is, I am walking pretty well with the boot.  In fact, I am pretty quick with it.  I'm walking so well with it that people are forgetting that I just had surgery 3 weeks ago.  Sometimes I even forget.

When I am allowed to take the boot off and start doing things like the elliptical machine, biking, swiming  --- and even running --- I have to remember that the surgery simply where I start but not where I can go.  I may end up doing even better than I did before.  That is what I am hoping.

As my friends start training for the Chicago Marathon I am, admittedly, a little jealous.  But that will pass as the heat and humidity continue to increase in the New Orleans summer.  Soon enough I will be able to run.  It will be a journey, but I will keep the quotes above in mind.  In roughly a year I got to the point of doing nothing from finishing a half marathon --- 13.1 miles.  That isn't something I can ignore.

The Girl and The Goat, Running, and Concessions

I had a great dinner in Chicago tonight at The Girl and The Goat.  I've blogged about it before, but it is more than worthy of another mention.  Two people who ate with us tonight had never eaten there before.  I think it is very fair to say they were BLOWN AWAY by every aspect of the dinner, from the food to the decor to the service.  There is a wait list of several months for a reason.  That reason is, simply, that it is the best new restaurant in the U.S.  I have the good fortune of eating at some absolutely spectacular restaurants and experiencing the culinary skills of some of the best chefs in the country.  Chef Stephanie Izard is up there with the best of them.  She may be young, there may not be white linen tablecloths, the waitstaff may wear t-shirts instead of shirts and ties --- but it is some of the most spectacular food that I have ever had in my entire life.  I'm not the only one saying it.  Every single person who has gone there (that I know or am aware of) says the same thing.  Stephanie Izard will win a Beard sooner rather than later.  She is such an amazing chef that I don't even care that she went to Michigan.  For me, that is saying a lot!!!!

All of this being the case, running was involved in dinner as well.  You see, I had dinner with friends and colleagues, including Gen (who I have run with and who I was to run the Chicago Marathon with).  I knew that I was going to be scolded tonight for my stupidity (yes, I said it myself, MY STUPIDITY).  I took it like an adult.  I listened.  I conceded my errors.  I promised that I was (finally) listening to my doctors, doing what I am supposed to do in terms of PT, and not rushing into anything.  They saw the boot/cast and shook their heads.  (I shake my head too when I see it; it is neither pretty nor comfortable.)  I think my friends and colleagues will say that I am not taking this lightly and that I am doing what I have to in order to get healthy, so that I can run comfortably and without injury.

The next time that I am in Chicago I will, God willing, be running again.  I'll go back to The Girl and The Goat --- hopefully with the same friends and colleagues --- and be able to discuss our runs from that day, over an amazing meal prepared by Chef Stephanie Izard, and I will be able to smile and say that I'm running because I finally listened to those around me.

An Emotional Ride, But I Am Still In This For The Long Haul.

The last few weeks have been very difficult.  Frankly, I have been depressed.  The way that I have learned to deal with stress, difficulty, etc. during the last year or so has been going to the gym and working out.  Because of my achilles, I haven't been able to.  I haven't been focused, I have been wallowing, and it has just sucked.  Sunday I was able to swim.  Granted, I wasn't yet able to use my legs, however, the act of using my arms to get some aerobic activity did me more good than most people may ever know.  It is going to be a long road back to where I was.  I brought this upon myself through being hard headed; I admit that now and realize my errors.  Realizing those errors, though, don't get me out of where I am now.  I have to find new ways to exercise (aerobically) until I can do what has made me most happy during the past few months --- running.

I know that when people look at me they don't see a runner.  It is almost as if I have the costume but still can't play the part.  I know that even though I have lost an enormous amount of weight, that I still have a ways to go.  My legs are extremely short and my pace isn't the fastest.  My endurance is good, but I can still improve. But, I still get out there and do it.  I get my heart rate up.  I get into a groove.  It makes me feel good.  For too many years I let what people may have thought of me prevent me from taking care of me.  Looking back, how stupid was that of me.  It really didn't matter if I went to the gym and people snickered because I was out of shape or didn't look like I should be there.  I would have been helping myself so much sooner than I did.  I may never "look" like a runner to other people.  That is OK.  As long as I feel like a runner is all that is important to me.  Based on my injury, and specifically the surgery, I haven't felt like a runner.  I haven't even felt like I could write about trying to be a runner.  It has felt fake.

This morning I spoke to one of my friends who made a very big decision --- a decision that will change his life.  I am incredibly proud of him.  He is dedicating himself to getting into shape.  It was a brave and difficult decision, one that I remember making.  I spent time talking to him about, at least initially, not telling too many people about my decision based on my fear that I would fail.  I told him that what was most important was setting realistic goals and not focusing on a number because this was a life journey and not a short sprint.  I told him that no matter what anyone says or does, no matter what the number is he sees on the scale, no matter if he has a bad day or a sore day or a lazy day, that he has to keep reminding himself of how brave he was to make this decision and about the progress that he is making.  In the end, though, it is his journey and not mine.  I don't know if he will ever know how much his brave decision got me in check (at least the starting phases of being in check).

About 6 weeks ago I announced that I was raising money for Atticus Circle through running the Chicago Marathon.  Atticus Circle is an absolutely amazing organization that I believe in more than ever.  Without the type of work that Atticus Circle does on a daily basis we will not see important social changes during my lifetime.  I really believe that.  I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to "get better" so that I can run the Chicago Marathon and continue with my fundraising efforts.  The truth is, though, that if I run the Chicago Marathon I will be hurting myself --- kind of like I did by being hard headed and running the half marathon several weeks ago.  (We all know what the result of that was.)  I want to be a person who follows through on what I saw I am going to do, but at the same time I can't do so and hurt myself in the process.  My doctors are telling me that a full marathon likely isn't a distance that I should ever run; the strain on my achilles (even after repair) will be too much.  Doing a half marathon or two a year, though, if I train properly and am honest with myself about when I am hurt is realistic.

I have spoken to most of the people who have already donated to Atticus Circle in conjunction with my fundraising efforts with the Chicago Marathon.  Those who I have spoken to said they were completely fine with changing my fundraising efforts --- doing them in conjunction with the Rock N'Roll La Vegas Half Marathon on December 4, 2011.  So, in an effort to not only follow through on my promises but also in an effort to take care of me --- that is what I am going to do.  The thing is that even though the overall distance has been cut in half (from 26.2 miles to 13.1) my goal is still to raise at least $2,620.00 for Atticus Circle.  My friends and family have been so incredibly supportive thus far.  I have been blown away by the generosity of so many people.  I am confident than in the coming months that I will be able to rehab my achilles, train for the half marathon, and surpass my fundraising goals for Atticus Circle.

So, am I still a bit depressed?  Yes.  Is the depression brought on by my own stupidity and being hard headed?  Yes.  Will it pass?  I hope so.  What I do know is that trying to stay positive and focus on the good is going to get me through this difficult time.  Focusing on rehabbing my achilles, getting back to running, and raising money for Atticus Circle is going to get me through this.  Seeing brave people, like my friend, make huge and important life decisions is going to get me through this.  And, being honest with myself and taking care of myself is going to get me through this.  If I don't take care of myself, no one else is going to.  And, if I don't take care of myself I won't be able to help anyone else.

If I start to wax poetic in the coming weeks/months, please stop me.  This too will pass (i.e. injury, PT, depression, etc.).  I will run again and I will be happy to do it, whatever the pace or distance is.  And, if you are so inclined, you can remind me by making a donation to Atticus Circle (www.atticuscircle.org).

PT Was Humbling and the Kansas City Curse....

I was very excited to start PT yesterday because it meant progress towards cardio.  It was such an incredibly humbling experience that I can hardly put it into words.  For 14 months I have worked so hard to develop endurance, muscles, strength, etc.  Yesterday, I was exhausted after a regimen of towel stretches, slant board stretches, towel crunches (with my toes), sitting heel raises, dorsiflexion, plantarflexion, sitting double heel raises, etc.  I didn't do much and I was exhausted.  But, I did the exercises again at home last night and this morning at home as well.  I know that it will make a difference in the end, but being able to do some cardio would be really helpful.  I am allowed to go in the pool, but only use my arms.

The permanent boot should arrive any day now, and that will make things much better.  I am hoping that will mean some walking --- even if it is slow --- because that will make me feel like I am doing something.  I am so so so so (have I mentioned so) excited to have a session with Liberdy on Monday that I can hardly contain myself.  I think getting into a routine is going to be key to my recovery.

Since having dinner at Julian in KC on Tuesday night I haven't felt so good.  Again, I hate to rag on a chef and/or restaurant because it is such hard work, but it really wasn't a stellar meal and I have been joking (well, pseudo joking) about the "curse of Celina Tio" since that time.  Come on, what have I ever done to her?  I'm now just going to call it the Kansas City Curse.  The only thing that is making me feel better is knowing that next Wednesday night I get to have dinner at The Girl and the Goat in Chicago.  I don't know that I will ever be able to praise Stephanie Izard and her culinary talent enough.  Then, a few days later I get to eat at both Bayona and Mondo and eat Susan Spicer's amazing food.  Three dinner by my two favorite chefs within days.  I'm excited.

Thank God I Start PT Tomorrow.

I'm envious of those people who can run right now.  I was in Kansas City for work and my colleague walked through the lobby after a run and I was honestly jealous; I kept telling him so all day.  PT starts tomorrow and I'm hoping for good news.  I feel good, truly.  Don't get me wrong because I am certainly sore.  But even with being sore I still feel so much better than I did before the surgery.

Traveling was certainly difficult.  Try navigating through airports, airplanes, etc, with a boot on.  Security was a pleasure (not) with the boot.  Let's just say the "pat down" at Kansas City International Airport was offensive.  Now I understand what people have been complaining about the last few months.

Even though my foot/ankle is keeping me from cardio, there is no reason I can't work on my arms and core.  I have been doing what I can.  I'm most excited that in the coming days my sessions with Liberdy will start again.  I don't know that I have ever been so excited for someone to beat the crap out of me.  Most important, though, I am looking forward to getting back into a routine.

In KC I went to dinner at Julian.  I was really looking forward to dinner there after hearing such great things about the chef.  Being a chef isn't an easy job; knowing that I try not to rag on chefs.  I have to say, though, this dinner just didn't impress me.  Maybe Chef Celina Tio had an off night?  The soup was good and it was creative, but everything else was simply adequate.  The potatoes that came with my scallops were so salty they were hardly edible.  My colleagues said the dessert was good but nothing fantastic.  I will say, though, the service was great.  In light of last night, I am really looking forward to dinner next week at The Girl and The Goal in Chicago.  Chef Stephanie Izard always impresses me.

An Amazing Gift.

I got the most amazing gift today.  Little acts of kindness can go such a long way in lifting the spirits.  I came into the office today and had this waiting for me.

Liz Fine, you are the best!  I love you to death even though you went to Michigan.  I promise that I am keeping my foot elevated while at the office so that we will be able to run together when you return to the States!  I am sore, but even though I am sore, I still feel better than I did before the surgery.  I should have done this a while ago.



Happy Birthday To My Sister Alana

For her birthday I told her that I finally understood that I have to listen to my body and can't push myself to the point of injury.  I think that she was pleased with her "gift".  Unfortunately, it took a surgery to make me learn the listen.

Surgery is complete.  Now the hard work begins.  I'm hopeful, though, that through PT and building up my leg (and more specifically calf muscles) that I will return a stronger and more centered person.

Pain is starting to really set in, but I don't want to take the narcotic pain killers.  But, we will see how the night goes.  Foot is up, I'm resting, and I'm moving a little bit from time to time to prevent clots.



Pre surgery manicure yesterday.




Post surgery.  Home.  Foot elevated.  Bonus is that "St. Elmo's Fire" was on TV.



The Aftermath.

I woke up on Monday morning and I knew things weren't good.  I felt amazing, aside from my right achilles.  Jody insisted on the crutches, which I didn't want to use.  I felt the crutches were almost an indication that I was giving into the injury, but she won out.  When she dropped me off at the airport, it was actually pretty funny when I tried to manage my suitcase, my briefcase, and the crutches --- especially in light of the fact that you have to keep your bag with you until you cross through customs.  Jody insisted on walking me into the airport in light of the situation (which I appreciated) and also insisted I get a porter and a wheel chair.  I didn't want the wheel chair until the wheel chair "driver" pointed out that the line to get through customs was about 90 minutes but if he gave me a ride that it would be finished in under 10 minutes.  SOLD! 

OK, to make a long story short those crutches that I didn't want to use saved my achilles from rupturing.  In that regard I will be forever in debt to Jody.  This Thursday morning I'm having surgery on my achilles.  It is outpatient.  It is arthroscopic.  It will prevent a rupture and allow my achilles to actually heal.  I'll spend the next few weeks in PT and be able to swim, work on core, and strengthen my upper body.  Liberdy is already excited to push me in new ways.  I've conceded that biking is something that I am going to have to include in my repertoire.  It is going to make me better at this in the long run.

I've signed up for the Las Vegas Rock N'Roll Half Marathon on December 4, 2011.  My doctors believe that it is realistic that I will be able to complete it.  Anything before then is questionable right now.  The full marathon may not ever be a distance that I am capable of due to orthopedic issues.  I am OK with that.  What I want, though, is to be able to run the race that I've trained for without being under the weather or having issues that hold me back.  I'm proud of myself for finishing last Sunday; the only aspect of the race that I'm disappointed with is that my training wasn't able to show in light of everything else.  My first 10k was amazing and had me on pace for a time that would have made me ecstatic.  It was faster than my previous 10K by almost 20 minutes.  I just want to finish a half marathon and feel as good as I did at the 10K point.  I don't think that is asking too much.

After that, 10K is likely the right distance for me.  I want to be able to go out on a Saturday or Sunday and be able to comfortably run 5-7 miles.  To me, that is the sign of a fit person.  That is all that I want.  I don't think that is asking too much.

So, for the next 6-8 weeks I'll write about trying to be a walker?  More post surgery.