An Emotional Ride, But I Am Still In This For The Long Haul.

The last few weeks have been very difficult.  Frankly, I have been depressed.  The way that I have learned to deal with stress, difficulty, etc. during the last year or so has been going to the gym and working out.  Because of my achilles, I haven't been able to.  I haven't been focused, I have been wallowing, and it has just sucked.  Sunday I was able to swim.  Granted, I wasn't yet able to use my legs, however, the act of using my arms to get some aerobic activity did me more good than most people may ever know.  It is going to be a long road back to where I was.  I brought this upon myself through being hard headed; I admit that now and realize my errors.  Realizing those errors, though, don't get me out of where I am now.  I have to find new ways to exercise (aerobically) until I can do what has made me most happy during the past few months --- running.

I know that when people look at me they don't see a runner.  It is almost as if I have the costume but still can't play the part.  I know that even though I have lost an enormous amount of weight, that I still have a ways to go.  My legs are extremely short and my pace isn't the fastest.  My endurance is good, but I can still improve. But, I still get out there and do it.  I get my heart rate up.  I get into a groove.  It makes me feel good.  For too many years I let what people may have thought of me prevent me from taking care of me.  Looking back, how stupid was that of me.  It really didn't matter if I went to the gym and people snickered because I was out of shape or didn't look like I should be there.  I would have been helping myself so much sooner than I did.  I may never "look" like a runner to other people.  That is OK.  As long as I feel like a runner is all that is important to me.  Based on my injury, and specifically the surgery, I haven't felt like a runner.  I haven't even felt like I could write about trying to be a runner.  It has felt fake.

This morning I spoke to one of my friends who made a very big decision --- a decision that will change his life.  I am incredibly proud of him.  He is dedicating himself to getting into shape.  It was a brave and difficult decision, one that I remember making.  I spent time talking to him about, at least initially, not telling too many people about my decision based on my fear that I would fail.  I told him that what was most important was setting realistic goals and not focusing on a number because this was a life journey and not a short sprint.  I told him that no matter what anyone says or does, no matter what the number is he sees on the scale, no matter if he has a bad day or a sore day or a lazy day, that he has to keep reminding himself of how brave he was to make this decision and about the progress that he is making.  In the end, though, it is his journey and not mine.  I don't know if he will ever know how much his brave decision got me in check (at least the starting phases of being in check).

About 6 weeks ago I announced that I was raising money for Atticus Circle through running the Chicago Marathon.  Atticus Circle is an absolutely amazing organization that I believe in more than ever.  Without the type of work that Atticus Circle does on a daily basis we will not see important social changes during my lifetime.  I really believe that.  I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to "get better" so that I can run the Chicago Marathon and continue with my fundraising efforts.  The truth is, though, that if I run the Chicago Marathon I will be hurting myself --- kind of like I did by being hard headed and running the half marathon several weeks ago.  (We all know what the result of that was.)  I want to be a person who follows through on what I saw I am going to do, but at the same time I can't do so and hurt myself in the process.  My doctors are telling me that a full marathon likely isn't a distance that I should ever run; the strain on my achilles (even after repair) will be too much.  Doing a half marathon or two a year, though, if I train properly and am honest with myself about when I am hurt is realistic.

I have spoken to most of the people who have already donated to Atticus Circle in conjunction with my fundraising efforts with the Chicago Marathon.  Those who I have spoken to said they were completely fine with changing my fundraising efforts --- doing them in conjunction with the Rock N'Roll La Vegas Half Marathon on December 4, 2011.  So, in an effort to not only follow through on my promises but also in an effort to take care of me --- that is what I am going to do.  The thing is that even though the overall distance has been cut in half (from 26.2 miles to 13.1) my goal is still to raise at least $2,620.00 for Atticus Circle.  My friends and family have been so incredibly supportive thus far.  I have been blown away by the generosity of so many people.  I am confident than in the coming months that I will be able to rehab my achilles, train for the half marathon, and surpass my fundraising goals for Atticus Circle.

So, am I still a bit depressed?  Yes.  Is the depression brought on by my own stupidity and being hard headed?  Yes.  Will it pass?  I hope so.  What I do know is that trying to stay positive and focus on the good is going to get me through this difficult time.  Focusing on rehabbing my achilles, getting back to running, and raising money for Atticus Circle is going to get me through this.  Seeing brave people, like my friend, make huge and important life decisions is going to get me through this.  And, being honest with myself and taking care of myself is going to get me through this.  If I don't take care of myself, no one else is going to.  And, if I don't take care of myself I won't be able to help anyone else.

If I start to wax poetic in the coming weeks/months, please stop me.  This too will pass (i.e. injury, PT, depression, etc.).  I will run again and I will be happy to do it, whatever the pace or distance is.  And, if you are so inclined, you can remind me by making a donation to Atticus Circle (www.atticuscircle.org).