Seven Miles.

I ran 7 miles tonight.  It didn't feel so great at parts of the run.  I had to do it on a treadmill because of the timing.  Luckily, I had episodes of Modern Family to get me through.  I ran a mile and would then walk for 2 minutes, followed by running another mile, etc.  My pace was steady.  I stretched.  I'm icing now.  I actually feel OK.  Truthfully I feel better now than I would expect to physically.  Mentally I do feel better.  It was the first time in a long time that I had truly "escaped" during a run.  I didn't think about work.  I didn't think about family.  I didn't think about the upcoming half marathon.  I didn't think about much.  No music.  No people.  No conversation. 

Despite everything that has been going on in real life my friends from New Orleans came up to Wisconsin on Friday.  I spent some time with them on Friday night and Saturday in Madison.  It took me a while to "let it go" but I was able to.  My friends are amazing and they literally forced me to have fun.  Sometimes you forget how much you need that.  I didn't drink as a way to relieve stress.  It didn't even cross my mind.  I admittedly ate some things that aren't ideal for training, but I was in Madison on gameday.  Mickie's Dairy Bar is a gameday tradition. 

I knew that my friends were going to lecture me.  In fact, I was expecting it.  They know how much I have going on and how I am trying to get it all in while also giving myself time for me.  They were coming from a good place and once I told them I knew the importance of taking time for me and that I was truly trying to do so they didn't pressure me.  Instead, they made a deal with me that as long as I took my time with them to relax and have fun that the rest would come in due time.  So, I did just that.  I let go.  I relaxed.  I had fun.  I enjoyed being with my friends and I love and appreciate them so much for taking the time to spend time with me in Wisconsin.

Life and exercise go hand in hand.  They have to in order to lead a healthy and balanced life.  I was supposed to run 7 miles on Saturday.  I thought that I would be able to fit it in on Sunday, but that didn't happen.  Rather than stress about it, I found a way to fit it in tonight.  Maybe the timing wasn't perfect and it will throw the training off but I got it in.  I got it in and now I'm better able to deal with everything that I have to finish tonight.  Seven miles wasn't perfect -- but I got it in.  Maybe that is how I have to try to lead my life --- not perfectly but trying to get in as much as I can.

Wanting to Run Versus Needing to Run

My father had major surgery yesterday.  When I saw him tonight he was on major pain killers.  Admittedly I was exhausted when I saw him tonight.  It has been a long few months and an even longer week.  Despite that I was quite surprised when my father said that I looked "really stressed" and needed to go to the gym to relax.  I was stressed.  I can't deny it.  I wanted (well, needed) to go to the gym, get my training run in, and sleep.  I haven't been sleeping well lately.  Even when I've wanted to there has been too much on my mind to do so.  I even took an ambien one night last week and I had so much going on that I still wasn't able to sleep.

The last thing that I wanted to do was anything that involved thought and discussion.  But my little sister needed help with her history test; she was only allowed to bring it home tonight and review the errors that she had made.  The topic of her test was the Constitution and judiciary (it is American History) so the test was, theoretically, right up my alley.  She is an uber smart kid but was having some issues conceptually understanding federal jurisdiction and the different ways to achieve it.  Truth be told, I don't know that I truly understood the subject until I finished my second year of law school so why I expected that she would get it based on an 8th grade text book I don't quite know.  (Shit, the fact that she is learning all of this in 8th grade is impressive enough.)

Why do I mention all of this?  I don't really know.  A few weeks ago some of my friends lectured me about needing to do more for me.  I heard them, I really did, but based on the craziness of life I haven't been able to implement their suggestions as much as I would like to.  I did try to run tonight.  It was a futile effort.  Even though the distance was 4.3 miles it was crap.  I was never mentally in the run.  I spent the entire time thinking about everything I had to do and trying to figure out whether there was time to get it all done.  Sure, I sweat which was great.  I burned calories and presumably diffused some stress.  I don't feel better, though.  I still am exhausted and want to sleep but I can't fall asleep.

I did realize something tonight.  Six months ago running was something that I did for me.  It was me being selfish and pushing myself.  It was me getting excited about running gear and trying to reach goals that I never thought I would attain.  Now, especially with so many balls in the air, running is something that I do for those around me.  If I don't run (or exercise in some manner) then I'm not much fun to be around.  Running and exercising is what I need to do in order to at least give the appearance that I am balancing all of the balls that I have in the air.  Funny how that shift occurred and I don't know when it did --- but it happened.

I used to tease the people who said that if they didn't have coffee, or so many hours of sleep, or get to the gym that they were miserable to be around.  I thought they were simply saying what they thought they had to say because it was what the magazines, TV shows, etc. were saying.  I was a real asshole for doing so.  I can now say that I am one of those people.  I don't function as well if I don't get that run in.  Does that make me a legitimate runner?

If it does maybe that will ease my mind a little bit.  If it eases my mind enough to let me sleep for just 2-3 hours I'd be eternally grateful.  I might be so grateful that I would run tomorrow because I want to rather than need to.

Learning a Life Lesson Through Watching My Friend Run the Chicago Marathon

We plan and God laughs.  I heard that expression years ago and didn't fully appreciate it.  In fact, I don't know that I really understood it beyond the words until this afternoon.  God has been laughing a lot lately in relation to my plans, so much so that he may be in hysterics.  Such is life.  I say that a lot but I'd be lying if I said I always believed it.  Doing anything other than trying to get through each day with a smile and get done as much as I can is all that I've been able to try to do. 

This weekend, when I originally planned it in February, was to be a big one.  The Chicago Marathon was today.  I signed up to run it with my friend Gen.  Those plans fell by the wayside in May/June when I blew out my achilles tendon during a half marathon.  (I had committed to raising money for Atticus Circle through the Chicago Marathon.  Luckily I am able to do so through the Las Vegas Rock N'Roll Half Marathon in December.)  Suddenly the Chicago Marathon (much less any full marathon) was not in my future.  I've struggled a lot through the last few months without having the Chicago Marathon as a goal, something on the calendar that was definite and I was accountable for.  The whole time that I was having issues finding my focus again, both in life and in terms of running, Gen was busy training.  I have been so impressed with her the entire time.  She never complained and was always positive.  She gave me crap about hurting myself and being more careful, but it was sincere and never mean.

Today was the day.  Even though I couldn't physically run it with Gen, and even though I have 50 balls in the air right now that I am trying not to drop, there was no way that I wasn't going to be there to watch her and support her.  Since signing up for this race in February she has raised an enormous amount of money for cancer research.  She has trained and managed to be an incredible wife, mother, as well as run a successful business.  She has also been an incredible friend who has been there when many others haven't been.  I knew that it may be difficult to be there and that I may be a little jealous of her while she ran, but I wasn't going to miss it.  What I witnessed today was one of the most incredible acts of heroism that I have ever seen in my life.  This is not something that I say lightly.  It wasn't something that I thought I would see when the race started this morning.

I have been around athletics all my life even though I didn't always participate.  When the inspirational sports pieces come out during the Olympics, Super Bowl, etc. I am always in tears.  Those inspirational sports pieces make me more emotional than chick flicks, etc.  I have always had the utmost respect for people who persevere and are able to do so despite enormous difficulty.  In fact, I most often respect those people more than those with innate talent.  As Vince Lombardi said, talent comes before work only in the dictionary.

Gen raised a ton of money in a very impressive manner.  She dedicated/honored a different person with each mile.  She truly cared.  She had a "game plan" and was on track to meet it.  Then she blew out her knee.  She planned and God laughed.  She went to the medics, who taped her and cleared her to finish.  She was determined to finish the marathon as long as she wasn't harming herself, even if it wasn't according to her "game plan".  Mind you, by the time that she hurt her knee at roughly the half way point she had been elbowed in the face, peed on (no, I am not kidding), and pushed around. 

When we saw her at roughly mile 21 she was in pain.  She tried to cover it up and was doing a very impressive job trying to do so.  I kept my mouth shut.  We walked with her through mile 24; at that point the course was barricaded and we couldn't walk with her any more.  With each step I was more and more impressed with her and the true generosity and heroism she displayed with each and every painful step.  She was carrying a Flip Video Camera with her so that she could record each and every mile and tape who she was dedicating/honoring with that mile --- she had carefully planned this before the start of the race.  At mile 24 she pulled out the video camera and said that mile 24 was for me.  I was so thankful that I was wearing sunglasses because I knew that showing the tears that were in my eyes at that point, while she was in so much pain yet had her mind set on finishing, wasn't appropriate.  In fact, there were several points during those 3 miles that we walked with her that I was near tears.  For 13 miles she put pain behind perseverance.

The last .5 miles of the Chicago Marathon is tough.  I previously wrote about it after the Shamrock Shuffle in April.  You see --- it is uphill.  That is the last .5 miles of the Shamrock Shuffle as well.  When Gen and I ran it during the Shamrock Shuffle my achilles was on fire.  We made a deal to walk up the hill and then run it in for the last .2 miles.  Part of the deal was that when we hit that point in the Chicago Marathon we would be running up that hill together.  As Gen approached that final uphill I felt terrible, like I was letting her down and hadn't followed through on my promise.  Gen was in pain, it was apparent to those who knew her, but she wasn't letting it on to anyone else.  She was in pain but she somehow managed to jog the last .5 miles.  I don't know how she did it.  I don't know how she found the strength.  But she did.

Watching Gen finish the Chicago Marathon, despite everything that was working against her, was one of the most gutsy and heroic things that I have ever seen in my life.  She put those people she dedicated/honored first and put her "game plan" on the side to do it.  She threw out ego and pain to put others first.  I don't know that I could/would have done that.  I am forever changed as a result of seeing it.  It may not seem like much to you reading this but it meant so much to me.  Gen personified the phrase, "we plan and God laughs."  As a result of seeing her being so gutsy and heroic I understand the phrase a little more and I'm able to put everything in perspective a little more than I could 24 hours ago.

I'm not a particularly religious person, especially this year, when God has been laughing so hard.  Yom Kippur was 24 hours ago.  Yom Kippur is the most holy Jewish holiday.  On Yom Kippur, even though I fasted as I am commanded to do as a Jew, I ran.  To me the run was spiritual and I reflected during it.  I reflected on the last year.  I reflected on the miles I've run.  I reflected on the laughter and tears.  I reflected on the friends who have helped put the last year in perspective.  I reflected on my siblings who I couldn't imagine living without.  I reflected on making plans and having God laugh. 

Between my Yom Kippur run and Gen's heroism today I think I'm better able to face the year ahead.  My plans may fall by the wayside, however, I will continue to make them.  I'll embrace the unexpected/unplanned a little more than I have in the past.  I'll try to laugh a little bit more at the irony of it all. 

When I signed up for the Chicago Marathon last year I expected that my life would change, in some ways, by the time I crossed the finish line.  I expected crossing that finish line and being changed as a person.  My expectations were met, even though not in the way I had planned.  I learned a life lesson today through watching, rather than running, a marathon.

Memento Vivere

Last April I had the words "memento vivere" permanently placed on my wrist. The Latin translation is "remember to live". My sister and many of my friends mocked me asking if I really needed a reminder to remember to live. I said no, that I didn't need the reminder in a literal sense, but from time to time I would need to remind myself of the adage. Truthfully, I didn't think I would need the reminder so soon.

I'm starting to get a little worried. I have a half marathon 2 months from this very minute. I am behind in my mileage. Its not intentional. I've been on antibiotics for a few weeks now and I sound like I have been smoking several packs a day for years. I've tried to run but I can't take air in without hacking. I tried today, went to to track and everything, and a quarter mile in I had to stop. I walked a few miles and then walked a few miles on the treadmill on an incline. I'm worried about my endurance. I'm worried because my achilles is a little achy. I'm sitting here, with ice on my ankles, and all of a sudden I looked down to my wrist. Memento Vivere.

By worrying about mileage I'm not living at all. If anything, it is taking away from me "living". I have to remind myself not to focus on the negative but the positive and, by doing so, I will (ideally) remember to live. A 15k in a month. A 21k (half marathon) in 2 months. It will get done. Maybe it won't be as fast as I want, but I will finish it. Only if I have fun while training will I be living. Otherwise I'll be miserable. What is the point of doing any of this if I am miserable. So, if anyone has any suggestions about how to make this fun again please let me know.

Part of the problem is I have always equated fit people and athletes with being able to run distances. Marathons. Half marathons. Going out and just running 5 miles on a Saturday. I have to find a way for my beliefs (in this regard) to change. I'm making a pledge to try new things to help change my beliefs. Once I can breathe again I am going to try a spin class, get into a Bikram class, TRX training, etc. I may bitch and moan during the process, but maybe that will just signify that I am living.