Sometimes Life Happens --- A Look Back

I'm embarrassed.  I haven't been following through with my promises.  It isn't like I have been a sloth.  I have been working out.  Admittedly, though, not with the same frequency and intensity as I once did.  The truth is that I feel it and its catching up to me.  I don't have as much energy.  My mind isn't as clear.  I don't feel as strong as I once did. 

I broke my wrist.  I used that as an excuse.  I couldn't life weights and do a lot of the things that I like to do at the gym.  Holding onto the Arc Trainer was tough.  It wasn't a valid excuse.  I can admit that now.  I let it get in the way.  Boy am I feeling the effects of it now.

Last year at this time I was so incredibly happy with the shape that I was in.  I had spent so much time in the gym and given my blood, sweat, and tears to make progress.  I liked feeling strong.  I liked pushing myself in the gym.  I liked seeing progress.  I loved my trainer Liberdy.  I loved my gym.  I was so proud of who I was at this time last year and started to define myself differently.  I was starting to define myself, at least in part, as an athlete. 

I look back on the last year --- especially with Mardi Gras being tomorrow.  Last year over Mardi Gras I was in Milwaukee (after catching Muses, of course).  I was starting to have some achilles issues but I had in in check.  I was comfortably running 6-7 miles.  It wasn't necessarily fast, but I was doing it regularly.  Tonight I was sucking wind with 5 miles.  Last year I never could have imagined what the coming year would bring.  Some has been good.  Some has been bad.  But either way it is all part of my reality now. 

When I moved back to Milwaukee in August I didn't necessarily envision things the way they are.  I miss a lot of my friends terribly. I miss a city that I love and will always be in my heart.  I miss being able to be outdoors so much of the year and a park that I loved to run in.  I miss having friends who I could run with.  But, there are positives.  My sister, brother-in-law, and niece moved here shortly after I did and I have loved almost every minute of being able to spend time with them.  I love that I can watch my youngest sister play competitive tennis and grow into an incredible young woman.  I love the random dinners with my father and my sisters or everyone gathering at one of our houses for a Badgers game (or even a Packers or Saints game).  I love spending time with my cousins and being able to get together regularly.  I love that we don't have to travel to be together on the holidays.  I've cherished this time, truly.  Memories have been created. 

My job is great, truly.  I respect my partners and enjoy my work.  I am proud of the firm that I work for and the work that we do.  I'm busy and have been trying to balance it all.  Some weeks are good and some aren't as good.  I can say, though, that I have grown as a person professionally.  I play "good cop" more than "bad cop", which is admittedly new to me.  I'm having fun, though, even though I am pretty exhausted right now. 

So, after allowing me to wax poetic you may be wondering how in the hell does this have to do with running.  Well, it is my "apology" of sorts.  I look back on my previous posts and see that I haven't been true to myself and my promises to me.  A large part of the reason that I made so much progress is that I finally was putting myself first.  I was saying no to others when it interfered with "me" time and didn't feel badly about doing so.  My doing that made me better balanced and able to deal with the challenges that life brings.  I haven't been doing that.  I can trace to, in part, to my decline.  Don't get me wrong --- when I say "decline" its not as if I have gained all of the weight that I lost, that I'm eating ridiculously, or that I'm reverting completely.  What I mean, though, is that I haven't been spending as much time in the gym.  I haven't been spending as much time on stress relief.  I haven't been spending as much time working on me.

My birthday is next week.  I've accomplished a lot in the last year.  These things can't be taken away from me.  I finished two half marathons.  Two.  Were they perfect?  No.  Did I finish?  Yes.  I trained, I became stronger, I started to truly believe in myself.  I raised money, through one of the half marathons, for a cause that I feel strongly about --- a cause that several years ago I may not have been vocal about.  I've gotten so much closer to my sisters and learned to truly lean on them both as support systems.  My father and I are as close as we once were.  I can't tell you how much that means to me.  When I think of the coming year the one thing that I don't want is to look back on this blog a year from now and feel like I let myself down. 

So that I make sure that is not the case I have to be more realistic with myself and I have to also be good to me.  I have to understand that some nights I might not be able to get in a full work out, but getting in a bit of a work out is better than spending the time working and not doing anything for me.  I have to understand that I may never be as fast as others and that as hard as I train I may never be that fast, but that I am doing more than the people sitting on their couches talking about running the race.  I have to understand that I need to find someone like Liberdy who pushes me, even with the injuries, and forces me to push myself farther than I thought I could (keeping my injuries in mind); I need this person to constantly change things up so that no two workouts are the same and so that I can't anticipate what is coming.  I have to understand that this may take a bit to implement but that doesn't mean I can sit still while it is in the works.  And most important, I have to understand that it is OK for me to take the time to do things that make me happy.

Tonight I ran 5 miles.  It was slower than it was a year ago.  It didn't feel nearly as good as it did a year ago.  But I did it.  That has to count for something.  Many races coming up.  Time to get serious.