Coping with Injuries and Making the Best of It

Where has the time gone?  Today is Labor Day --- the end of the summer.  College football has started. NFL is about to start.  School is back in session.  The sun is starting to set earlier and the weather is getting cooler.  I've fallen behind in blogging.  Truth be told, I didn't know what to blog about.  I'm not really a "runner" anymore.  That is my own fault.  You see I pushed myself too hard.  I didn't listen to my body.  I cared too much about "competing" with those around me and trying to prove myself as an athlete.  As a result I haven't run since May and the Soldier Field 10 Miler.

This summer has been extremely painful in terms of my achilles tendon.  I'm on medicine daily that screws with my system, although it does alleviate the pain.  I've gained weight.  Some on my own but most (truly) as a result of the medicine.  Its not fun to look in the mirror and know that I can go to the gym and kick ass with weights and abs but still have this weight gain.  Prednisone is evil in some regards but a godsend in others.

I started in July with a new trainer.  He is amazing.  We started with a long chat and I needed to make sure that he knew my limitations in terms of my achilles and I had to be honest with him, and make him promise that he wouldn't push me past those limitations because if I was feeling good that I would try to.  (And thats how I ended up in this position in the first place.)  He changes things up constantly.  He knows that as much as I love plyometric activity that my achilles simply can't handle it.  In almost 2 months I don't know that we have done the same work out twice, and easy session is an hour.  I feel strong and I'm seeing more and more definition in my arms and shoulders.  He is pushing me in those areas.  I look forward to our sessions and am truly upset if I have to miss one.

About two weeks ago I also came to the realization, after admittedly being very motivated by a Nike add campaign, that I wasn't going to let my limitations stop me.  I may be waiting for surgery (in a few months) and I may be taking meds that are screwing with my weight, but that doesn't mean I can't push myself in the gym and try to get in the best possible shape for the upcoming surgery.  It will just make post surgery rehab so much easier.  Moreover, it clears my mind and makes me happy.  I've bought a Nike Fuelband; it tracks fuel points based on workouts and cardio activity.  It is a way that I can track my work outs and also compete with myself (and others is I chose).  It also helps me make sure that I am getting enough activity in even with my limitations.

Most important, though, this weekend I realized that when I was blogging about this fitness journey that I was being most accountable to me, to my trainer, and to my goals.  Its important, therefore, that I make writing about my fitness journey a priority.  So, I'm back.  Things are different but that's life.  Last week I was in Los Angeles and snuck in a work out at Runyon Canyon (my most favorite place to exercise); I hiked it instead of running --- even the downhill parts --- but it felt good to be outside and getting some exercise.  Like I said, different, but still not bad.

Today I did 7 miles on the elliptical.  I learned that in order to accurately track fuel points on the elliptical I need to NOT hold the arm handles (even though I am moving the arm handles), and instead need to mimmic the arm movements of running.  I did the 7 miles at a 5.2 mph pace, so not terrible.  I then took 3 lbs arm weights and for 20 minutes straight went from one movement to another.  I know they were only 3 lbs, but after 20 minutes my shoulders felt it.

Some days my achilles is really bad after the gym.  Other days t isn't so bad.  I proactively ice every day and spend a lot of time stretching.  No races in my future and I'm still struggling with how to "define" myself in terms of athletics (i.e. runner, jogger, soccer player [former life], etc.) but that will come with time.

Adrenaline, Injury, and Fear Lead To Unexpected Results

Life has been crazy.  Some days it is hard to find enough time to just to get up, go to work, and TRY to get done everything that I need to.  I'm not making excuses.  Its just the way it is.  My running hasn't been consistent.  I have been dealing with a lot of achilles issues.  No matter what I do or how much time I take off there is a constant ache.  I told my cousin, Jake, that I would like to get to the point where I don't need to take Advil on a daily basis or wake up and dread that first step out of bed because of the pain in my right ankle.  The thought (mind you, thought) of running conjured up pain.  I have a limp when I walk.  My ankle is constantly taped.  Such is life.

I've had a few races since my last post several months ago.  I haven't trained like I did a year ago.  My diet hasn't been nearly as strict.  I've had no business thinking I would do anything but finish these races.  Truthfully, I went in with the mind set that I just was going to pace myself, run intervals, and not kill my achilles.  It's funny how adrenaline and competitiveness can take you to unknown (and unimagined) places during a race.

On March 25, 2012, I ran the Shamrock Shuffle in Chicago.  I went with my cousins Jake and Carrie.  I had so much fun at that race last year that I wanted to do it again.  I had no expectation other than finishing.  We had a great time in Chicago the day before the race and just relaxed and had fun.  We laid out our clothes the night before, made fun of Jake who had made a Shamrock Shuffle play list and had a special outfit planned, and just relaxed.  The morning of the race I was much more low key than I had been last year.  I also didn't make the mistake of drinking too much water --- figuring I would have to wait an ungodly amount of time in the start corral.  We made plans to meet at the Fountain after the race.  I told them I would be the slowest one of the bunch.

I wore KTape instead of my brace ---  mistake number one.  It is great stuff but just not as supportive.  I wore my Michigan Sucks t-shirt instead of the Michigan clothing I had to wear as a result of the best last year.  I didn't want to hurt myself.  Truly I didn't.  But a fire was lit in me for some unknown reason and I pushed myself in a way that I had never done before.  I looked at my watch after crossing the finish line and couldn't believe it.  I figured something had to be wrong.  Had I missed a few miles?  Then the pain started to set in --- I hadn't missed any part of that course.  My achilles was throbbing and I could barely walk.  I was ecstatic, though, about my unofficial time.  I ad to stay in Chicago that night for work and was having dinner with friends.  During dinner Carrie sent me a message with my official time.  I couldn't believe it.  I got back to the hotel and had to see it with my own eye.

This was unheard of for me.  Truly.  More than I EVER expected.  I paid the price, though.  I'm still paying the price. 

A few weeks later I went to Los Angles.  The Hollywood Half Marathon turned into the lower mileage race.  I ran with a friend and we stuck to run/walk intervals.  I iced thoroughly for several hours after.  I took a ton of Advil.  I needed to take a month off according to doctors.  I ran one time during that month --- but I was kind of justified.  I went to Madison, with college friends, for the Crazylegs Classic.  The 5 mile race ends on the filed at Camp Randall; that is one of my most favorite places.  I stuck to intervals.  I stretched.  I didn't push myself hard.  Truly, I didn't.  I ran in the rain and it was cold.  I felt sore but not nearly as bad as the races before that.

This past weekend I went to Chicago, again, for the Soldier Field Ten Mile Race.  I had no expectation because the prior weekend, without doing any type of exercise, I had the most excruciating ankle pains I had in nearly a year.  I spent the weekend "on ice" and knew that walking, much less running, was going to be tough.  I went to Chicago, though, for a variety of reasons.   My cousin Jake came and ended up using the bib of one of my injured friends. 

The week prior to the race was one of the worst I'd had in a long time.  Unexpected twists and turns and situations I never imagined.  I was ornery, overtired, not feeling great.  I likely wasn't much fun to be around.  I'll admit that.  Little things that I would normally let slide by were pissing me off in a big way.  I felt hurt and let down by other circumstances and that wasn't adding to my being real happy. 

The morning of the race was even worse.  I didn't sleep well and was dealing with work emails all night.  We had to leave the hotel at 6 am to get to the start line.  The initial cab driver asked us if we knew how to direct him to Soldier Field (no, I am not making this up --- it was his first day on the job).  Instead of being hot and humid it was cold and rainy.  I was by myself in the start corral and the race was starting slowly.  I had stretched well and I had taken Advil.  I was wearing my brace.  I told myself I was going to run intervals and told Jake to expect that it would take me about 2 to 2.25 hours.  I didn't want to push myself and hurt myself more.  Then my anger kicked it and my general pissiness from the week before.  That turned on the adrenaline --- which obviously masked the pain.  Lets just say that the intervals didn't happen.  Suddenly I wanted to prove that I could do this and do it well. 

I had a sense around 5 miles that I was kicking ass.  I didn't look at my watch because I knew if I did that I would stop myself.  Around mile 9 the pain started to get more intense.  I tried to ignore it and run though it, focus on the music and putting together that race I wanted to in Toronto last year.  I was in the tunnel at Solider Field --- about to cross the finish line on the 50 yard line.  I glanced at my watch.  HOLY SHIT!  It had to be wrong, I thought. 

I crossed the finish line.  I couldn't believe it.  I hobbled to get my medal, a banana, some water, and find Jake --- who likely figured that he had time to kill.  I was in pain and cramping.  I had done it to myself.  I am an adult and accept the consequences of my actions --- but had I seriously run the race that I did?  My unofficial time was astounding to me.

The walk back to the hotel was necessary, but sucked.  I knew I had to walk through the cramps.  We got back to the hotel and I spent a lot of time stretching and icing.  The train ride home --- the sitting without moving --- didn't help but I had to get home.  I was tempted to check the web page and get my official time but things got crazy once I got home.  My niece was born, I was watching my other niece (the 3 year old), I was trying to ice and stretch.

This morning I was curious.  I checked the web site.  My official time was even faster than I had thought.

I truly don't think I could string these two races together again --- EVER.  As I sit here, with my ankle on ice and a constant stream of Advil throughout the day I can say that the pain sucks but part of me needed those times to prove to myself what I am capable of.  Sure, I likely damaged my ability to ever run races like that again but I do have the memories.  I'm an adult and I accept the consequences of the stupid things I've done.  But I also think that had I not given it 110% that I may have always questioned if I could.

Since I hurt my ankle last year I've generally always held back; I've let fear conquer me.  So this year --- without all of the training, nutrition, etc. I let go of the fear and look what happened?  No one can ever tell me that I'm not an athlete (or wasn't an athlete).  But why now?  Why did it happen without the group of people that I had been running with the last year or so?  Part of these results didn't feel as "real" without them there --- even though Jake and Carrie can attest to them.

What am I trying to say?  I honestly don't know.  This blog used to be more of an outlet --- a way to decompress, a reality check, a way to stay true to me. Now, that I won't (or shouldn't) be able to run for a while what is this blog going to be?  What is my life going to be like without these things?  Will I still be connected to some of my friend and the friendships that have developed without running?  Will I feel as good about myself or that I am accomplishing as much? I guess I'll have to find out.

Sometimes Life Happens --- A Look Back

I'm embarrassed.  I haven't been following through with my promises.  It isn't like I have been a sloth.  I have been working out.  Admittedly, though, not with the same frequency and intensity as I once did.  The truth is that I feel it and its catching up to me.  I don't have as much energy.  My mind isn't as clear.  I don't feel as strong as I once did. 

I broke my wrist.  I used that as an excuse.  I couldn't life weights and do a lot of the things that I like to do at the gym.  Holding onto the Arc Trainer was tough.  It wasn't a valid excuse.  I can admit that now.  I let it get in the way.  Boy am I feeling the effects of it now.

Last year at this time I was so incredibly happy with the shape that I was in.  I had spent so much time in the gym and given my blood, sweat, and tears to make progress.  I liked feeling strong.  I liked pushing myself in the gym.  I liked seeing progress.  I loved my trainer Liberdy.  I loved my gym.  I was so proud of who I was at this time last year and started to define myself differently.  I was starting to define myself, at least in part, as an athlete. 

I look back on the last year --- especially with Mardi Gras being tomorrow.  Last year over Mardi Gras I was in Milwaukee (after catching Muses, of course).  I was starting to have some achilles issues but I had in in check.  I was comfortably running 6-7 miles.  It wasn't necessarily fast, but I was doing it regularly.  Tonight I was sucking wind with 5 miles.  Last year I never could have imagined what the coming year would bring.  Some has been good.  Some has been bad.  But either way it is all part of my reality now. 

When I moved back to Milwaukee in August I didn't necessarily envision things the way they are.  I miss a lot of my friends terribly. I miss a city that I love and will always be in my heart.  I miss being able to be outdoors so much of the year and a park that I loved to run in.  I miss having friends who I could run with.  But, there are positives.  My sister, brother-in-law, and niece moved here shortly after I did and I have loved almost every minute of being able to spend time with them.  I love that I can watch my youngest sister play competitive tennis and grow into an incredible young woman.  I love the random dinners with my father and my sisters or everyone gathering at one of our houses for a Badgers game (or even a Packers or Saints game).  I love spending time with my cousins and being able to get together regularly.  I love that we don't have to travel to be together on the holidays.  I've cherished this time, truly.  Memories have been created. 

My job is great, truly.  I respect my partners and enjoy my work.  I am proud of the firm that I work for and the work that we do.  I'm busy and have been trying to balance it all.  Some weeks are good and some aren't as good.  I can say, though, that I have grown as a person professionally.  I play "good cop" more than "bad cop", which is admittedly new to me.  I'm having fun, though, even though I am pretty exhausted right now. 

So, after allowing me to wax poetic you may be wondering how in the hell does this have to do with running.  Well, it is my "apology" of sorts.  I look back on my previous posts and see that I haven't been true to myself and my promises to me.  A large part of the reason that I made so much progress is that I finally was putting myself first.  I was saying no to others when it interfered with "me" time and didn't feel badly about doing so.  My doing that made me better balanced and able to deal with the challenges that life brings.  I haven't been doing that.  I can trace to, in part, to my decline.  Don't get me wrong --- when I say "decline" its not as if I have gained all of the weight that I lost, that I'm eating ridiculously, or that I'm reverting completely.  What I mean, though, is that I haven't been spending as much time in the gym.  I haven't been spending as much time on stress relief.  I haven't been spending as much time working on me.

My birthday is next week.  I've accomplished a lot in the last year.  These things can't be taken away from me.  I finished two half marathons.  Two.  Were they perfect?  No.  Did I finish?  Yes.  I trained, I became stronger, I started to truly believe in myself.  I raised money, through one of the half marathons, for a cause that I feel strongly about --- a cause that several years ago I may not have been vocal about.  I've gotten so much closer to my sisters and learned to truly lean on them both as support systems.  My father and I are as close as we once were.  I can't tell you how much that means to me.  When I think of the coming year the one thing that I don't want is to look back on this blog a year from now and feel like I let myself down. 

So that I make sure that is not the case I have to be more realistic with myself and I have to also be good to me.  I have to understand that some nights I might not be able to get in a full work out, but getting in a bit of a work out is better than spending the time working and not doing anything for me.  I have to understand that I may never be as fast as others and that as hard as I train I may never be that fast, but that I am doing more than the people sitting on their couches talking about running the race.  I have to understand that I need to find someone like Liberdy who pushes me, even with the injuries, and forces me to push myself farther than I thought I could (keeping my injuries in mind); I need this person to constantly change things up so that no two workouts are the same and so that I can't anticipate what is coming.  I have to understand that this may take a bit to implement but that doesn't mean I can sit still while it is in the works.  And most important, I have to understand that it is OK for me to take the time to do things that make me happy.

Tonight I ran 5 miles.  It was slower than it was a year ago.  It didn't feel nearly as good as it did a year ago.  But I did it.  That has to count for something.  Many races coming up.  Time to get serious.

Today is my January 1.

It has been over a month.  The truth is that I don't have a good reason for not posting.  Things got busy with the holidays and end of the year craziness.  There was a bit of a "what do I do now" after the half that, admittedly, led to a little bit of holiday malaise.  Sure, I got a little sick after the half but that really isn't a valid excuse.  The truth is that I got a little lazy.  When things weren't as focused health wise my right arm came more into focus.

Since 11/4/11 my right arm had been really bothering me.  I initially thought it was "tennis elbow" from playing so much more.  I switched rackets, etc.  Between Bio Freeze and ibuprofen/naprosyn it was able to manage the pain.  Right before Thanksgiving it got really bad again and I took two courses of pain meds.  But it got bad again in mid to late December.  I have a very high pain threshold.  I know that.  But it got so bad that I went to the doctor again.  It was apparently a partially torn muscle.  I was really upset.  But the thing it that it kept getting worse.  It was so bad that I called one of my best friends, as doctor, and sought her advice.  My friend and I have this running joke because I don't really like to seek medical attention.  If it gets to the point where I am speaking to her it is bad --- she knows that.  (We have known each other for a long time and gone through a lot together.)  I called a doctor but couldn't get an appointment until after the first of the year.

So, off to California I went for the Rose Bowl armed with anti-inflammatory meds and Bio Freeze.  Nothing was going to keep me from Runyon Canyon on 1/2/12 --- even if my arm was falling off.  There is something about Runyon Canyon that I love.  It is my most favorite place in LA and I am at peace --- actual, honest to God peace --- when I am there.  So, I woke up at 5:15 a.m. and drove to Runyon to get in 2 loops before the Rose Bowl.  It was magical --- absolutely magical.  I looked at the city from high above and felt calm.  I have spent a lot of time running in Runyon over the last year or so and I thought about my first time there and how far I had come.  Sure, I have a long way to go but it made me feel like I had accomplished something.  It made me feel more accomplished than half marathons, etc.  There is something very fulfilling about running in the hills and getting to the top and looking down.

View from the top.

Another view from the top.  The city enveloped in fog.

Shows the path.

Another view of the path.

Yet another view.

Me at the top.  Don't worry, the short says "Michigan Sucks".  I couldn't wear yellow to the game because of Oregon.

The day was gorgeous.  Sun was out.  Amazing weather --- a far cry from the weather in Wisconsin.  I was with some of my best friends and I was watching my most favorite team.  I knew the critics said we were going to get blown away but I had faith.  I had to believe in something after the last year.  I thought about the Rose Bowl the year before and how I never imagined the year would bring what it did.  But that was behind me and a new year was ahead of me.  A year of promise.  The game was exciting but in the end my Badgers lost.  The loss hurt a lot more this year.  It truly stung.  Here I was in California with great friends and so lucky to be watching my team in a BCS Bowl for the second year in a row.  But I was pissed.  I was feeling sluggish, and truthfully kind of down on myself.

One of my best friends from college.  Amazing friend.  Amazing doctor.  Someone who is always there good or bad.

Amazing time with amazing friends at the game.

I flew home the next day and have been slammed at work.  I went to the doctor, a different one, and the results were not what I had hoped.  A soft cast came and a hard cast is to follow.  The injury is worth than I thought and it isn't the result of tennis.  The injury is the result of kettle bells and trying to get through it and making it worse.  It is amazing how limited you are with a cast on your wrist.  I had never really thought about it.  Don't get me wrong.  I know that if this is the worst thing that happens to me than I can't complain.  But it has already been too long since I have been able to do planks, lift weights like I wanted to, do the elliptical with arms, etc.  I tried a Spin class with the cast and that didn't go well.  I understand that I am supposed to be using my legs and my core but you balance yourself with your hand/wrist/forearm.  That made everything worse.

And then the Saints lost.  I love two teams --- the Badgers and the Saints.  The Badgers lost so my football hopes were tied to the Saints.  Both teams fought hard.  Both teams lost.  I felt deflated.  I felt defeated.  I had no motivation to do anything other than lie on my couch, watch Bravo TV, and wallow.

I was getting down, feeling more sluggish, and couldn't figure out what to do to feel better.  In the interim I signed up for a few races thinking (and hoping) that would help.  I signed up for:

• The Bank of America Shamrock Shuffle on March on 3/25 (www.shamrockshuffle.com) because that is what started it all last year.
• Tomorrow I am signing up for the Crazylegs Classic in Madison on 4/28 (www.crazylegsclassic.com) because it is in Madison and I hope to be able to run it with friends from college.
• I signed up for the Solider Field 10 Miler on 5/26 (www.soldierfield10.com) because some friends loved it last year and one of my good friends who doesn't usually run agreed to do it with me.
• Finally, I signed up for the Summerfest Rock n'Sole Half Marathon on 6/23 (www.rocknsolerun.com) because it is in my back yard and it gives me something to work for.

This evening I decided that I wasn't going to wallow anymore.  It is that simple.  Last year I was so much more disciplined --- in relation to training, food, mentally.  I need to get back there despite everything else that may be going on in my life.  Life isn't an excuse.  Teams lose.  Things and people don't live up to your expectations.  You get hurt and recover.  You have to find alternatives rather than make excuses.  Blogging made me felt more accountable.  I, therefore, have to do it more so that I feel better about where I am physically. 

I don't know many of you who are reading this.  That may be better becaise I won't be able to put a face to a name, etc.  But the act of doing it --- putting the good and the bad out there --- is a way of showing myself that I am "all in".  I'm never going to be the one who wins the race but I am going to be the one who finishes.  Believe it or not to me it really isn't about winning but about finishing and putting in the time.

I know this post rambled.  Parts don't make sense except in my head.  Months from now, though, I hope it does. 

It may be 1/16/12 --- but I'm treating today as if it is 1/1/12.  Today the years starts anew.  Today  is when I made my promise to myself not to wollow, not to judge myself, but simply to do and follow through.

Two Half Marathons In A Year. I Still Can't Believe It.

Hitting the wall at mile 11.5 or so, but still trying to have fun.  I look like I could kill someone at that moment.

I am typing this as I am sitting on the plane flying home from Vegas.  Less than 24 hours ago I crossed the finish line; I was still running at this time yesterday (well, run/walk intervals to be fair).  I’m not going to lie --- it was a miserable experience.  It was really cold.  It started to rain (in the desert mind you).  They ran out of water and Cytomax.  The course was crowded and didn’t really have port-o-lets.  Hell, they ran out of medals.   If I had been one of the people to finish and not get a medal I would have been pissed.  It was cool running on parts (recall, I say PARTS) of the Strip at night but with 44,000 runners it was way too crowded.  Plus, starting a half marathon at 5:30 p.m. is really tough.  It screws up your eating for the day, hydration, etc.

I didn’t have a great race.  In fact, I was slower than I was with a torn Achilles tendon.  That said I finished. I am flying home without crutches and without needing surgical repair of my body.   I never stopped despite hitting the wall at mile 10 or so and getting terrible cramps all over my legs (that conveniently hit at the same time) around mile 11.5-12.  When I synced my watch with my computer I had to laugh.  The last 3.1 miles took, in essence, 53 minutes; I wanted to run more of it (well, really any of it) but the cramping was terrible.  I was dehydrated and I didn’t use GU.

Don’t get me wrong.  I had an amazing time in Vegas.  I spent time with friends, watched my Badgers win the first Big Ten Football Championship, relaxed, and slept pretty well.  As much as people always say it is YOUR race and not to think of anyone else --- let’s face it, that is horse shit.  We are all competitive people and we (especially me) don’t like it when we don’t do our best.  I know that I am never going to be a 2:10-2:15 half marathoner.  I have natural abilities and no matter how hard I work that is not going to be my speed.  But based on my training runs and how I felt after them I really thought that 2:30-2:40 was realistic and very doable.  That is why I am upset.  Mind you no one in my group had a good race, which makes the “pain” a little better, but it still sucks.

In the grand scheme, though, I am taking it in stride.  I look back to last year at this time.  All of this was still a pipe dream them.  I had signed up for the half in Toronto but there were, admittedly, still doubts whether I would do it.  Fast forward a year and I have finished 2 half marathons; one after surgery.  Two this year.  Most people don’t ever do one, much less two.  Yes, I can improve and do them better, but I did them.  I set out to do them and didn’t quit.  I did them faster than some people and slower than others, but I finished both of them.  I increased my life expectancy through exercise and pushed myself in ways I never thought possible.  I learned that sometimes it is OK to quit, and that you may even save yourself some pretty severe injuries by doing so.  I could have quit after my surgery.  That would have certainly been easier.  It may have been less painful and I may have spent a lot less time icing various body parts after runs, but it wouldn’t have been the same life experience.

Through this journey I was able to raise money for charity, simply through the act of running.  I apologize to all of y’all who continuously told me that you were trying to make donations and there were issues with this link for Atticus Circle.  They keep telling me that they are working on it.  It is a great organization and I believe in it strongly.  I encourage others to pick a nonprofit you believe in and raise money for than organization through running.  Even though the race is over I would love it if you would consider making a donation to Atticus Circle (www.atticuscircle.org).

I’ve laughed a lot through this journey --- and my friends have laughed a lot at me.  I’m an easy target.  I am a bit neurotic and like to be prepared.  I had enough GU, Cliff Shot Blocks, Gatorade, Propel, water, BioFreeze, calf compression sleeves, hats, gloves, etc. for everyone in my group this weekend.  (In hindsight, it’s a shame we didn’t bring more of it with us to the race as we could have used it on the course.)  I read about new running gear and I buy it.  I’m an easy sell in that regard.  In the last year and a half I have accumulated more running gear than most can imagine.    Despite the gear and being made fun of, I have legitimately laughed with my friends while going through this.  Last night as we hobbled into the hotel --- dehydrated, sore, hungry, etc. --- we couldn’t do anything but laugh.  It was laughing that only we will share as we were there in the moment. 

This was my last race of the year.  I’m going to take a month off of running now to let my body finally heal.  I’ll start up again in January.  There will be another 10 mile race in May.  I think that distance will be much better for me.  There will be some 5Ks and 10Ks thrown in there.  No half marathons for a while, though.  I don’t need them to say I’m a runner.  What I have learned in the last year is that even though I may not “look” like a runner I feel like a runner more often than not.  I get out there and do it, which is more than most people will ever do.  I finish races, albeit more slowly than most, but I finish them. 

Next year I am going to focus on form and figuring out how to run these things in a way that I don’t hit the wall.  I am also going to really focus on the shorter distances and getting faster at those shorter distances.  I have seen the improvement in that regard and want to continue on that path.  Plus, its much easier and less time consuming to train for those distances.

I know this post has been random.  I am sitting on a plane and there is, frankly, a lot going through my head as I think about the last year in terms of my running.  I’ve put in a lot of miles.  Some have felt amazing and some have really hurt.  I peed my pants during a race last April.  I tore my Achilles during a race last May.  I ran two 5Ks with my college roommate --- and I assure you that 18 years ago neither of us ever imagined we would have done that.  I ran two half marathons.  I went an entire year without gaining any weight.  I raised $2600 for Atticus Circle simply through running.  I became someone who can’t sit on a couch for days on end and do nothing; I need to exercise.  When everything is said and done, I guess that isn’t so bad.

Below are some photos from this weekend.

Pre-race.  It was freezing outside so we stayed inside as long as we could after checking our gear.

Start line waiting to start the race and trying to keep warm.

Wisconsin Pride, especially after winning the Big Ten Championship the night before.  ROSE BOWL!

Finish line.  Mylar and medals.

More mylar and medals.

Wisconsin pride extended beyond the race.  Post race.  Back at the hotel trying to hydrate and eat something.

Who Would Have Thought

I remember it all too clearly.  It was a Saturday in early April.  I had just flown into Chicago early that morning.  The week had been a long one and I was working on little to no sleep.  The next day was my first "test"; I would be running the 8K Shamrock Shuffle with my friend Gen.  I had been getting over initial issues with my achilles and thought I was on the mend.  The Toronto Half Marathon was 2 months away.  The Chicago Marathon was 6 months away --- literally.  I was excited to be in Chicago with my friends and at the prospect of running.

I met Gen and Brooke for lunch.  Gen mentioned this half marathon in Las Vegas that she wanted to do.  After all, they would shut down the Strip for the race.  Why not?  I told her that I was in.  After all, it wasn't until December 4 and it was only early April.  In the coming weeks I continued to have issues with my achilles.  I finished my first half marathon over Memorial Day in Toronto but tore my achilles in the process.  Surgery followed.  The Chicago Marathon was not longer an option as a result, but Vegas was still in the picture.  In fact, I signed up for Vegas while I was on crutches after the half marathon in Toronto --- I was just back home but hadn't had surgery yet.  It was something that was going to help push me.

There was surgery, there were casts, there was PT.  My achilles improved and my confident waxed and wained.  I moved from New Orleans back to Wisconsin and encountered new challenges in terms of life (as well as amazing new things).  Training was up and down with both good and bad days.  But, here I am.  Tomorrow morning I get on a plane to go to Vegas.  On Sunday I will compete in my second half marathon during this calendar year.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would do this.  I almost have to pinch myself.

As I left the office tonight my colleagues were wishing me luck.  The last few weeks they have been amazing and incredibly supportive --- especially this week as I have battled the stomach flu and have worried about hydration levels.  I'm nervous about the race.  I know that I will finish it but I worry about my time and getting it done in the way that I would like to.  I suppose there will always be another opportunity if I don't do what I set out to do with this race.

In the process I've come across some amazing people.  In fact, just today I was incredibly surprised by a woman named Mandy who works with the Yurbuds company.  (As an aside, this company is amazing and really cares about its customers.  If you do not already use its products I encourage you to as they are the most amazing earphones for runners ever invented and that is not something that I say lightly).  Mandy went out of her way, when she didn't have to, to make sure this company stood my its product and get me new earphones so that I wasn't without on Sunday.  My earphones had broke last week and this is a company that is standing by its product and replacing it even though I couldn't find the receipt.  People usually don't do that anymore.  Many and Yurbuds, though, went out of their way because they wanted to help me make sure that I have a great race on Sunday.  That meant so much to me.  My trainer current trainer in Milwaukee (Matt Bartz) and my former trainer in New Orleans (Liberdy Welsh) are two more incredible people who have been a part of this journey.  Without them I don't know that I would have "gotten up" after some of the bad runs and they encouraged me to stick with it.

There are the incredible people who have donated money to Atticus Circle in support of my run.  These people have believed in me enough to donate money to this incredible organization.  They have done so without question because they know that it is important to me.  I am very thankful and appreciative and am sincere when I say how lucky I am to have them in my life.

Then there are the 4 amazing women who are crazy enough to come to Vegas and run on Sunday.  I am so excited to spend time with them this weekend and relax.  I am thanking them in advance for being brave enough to watch the Big Ten Championship Game with me on Saturday night and being willing to don Badger clothes in the process.  I am thankful that they have followed through and are going to Vegas with me to run.  I love that these are some of the only people who will be able to get me to stay awake past 10 p.m.

December 1 of last year I never would have imagined that a year later I would be able to say that I finished to half marathons in 2011.  Anything is possible and I'll see you at the finish line on Sunday night. 

My "Achilles Heel"

My freshman year in high school we spent the first semester of English class studying Greek mythology.  I read The Iliad and The Odyssey, however, it wasn't until I got to college that I realized how important those studies had been.  There were important metaphors in those tales.  In the last few days I have thought of one in particular --- the story about Achilles.

The story is that when Achilles was a baby that it was foretold that he would die in battle from an arrow in the foot.  To prevent his death his mother took him to the River Styx, which was supposed to offer powers on invincibility.  His mother dipped Achilles' body into the water, however, she held him by the heel.  His heel, therefore, wasn't washed over by the magical water.  Achilles grew up to be a man of war; he survived many incredible battles and was thought of as a hero.  One day a poisonous arrow was shot at him and was lodged in his heel --- the arrow killed him as his heel hadn't been protected by the water.  It is from Greek mythology that the expression of an "Achilles heel" came to be known as someone's area of weakness,

For me, at least in relation to running, my "achilles heel" is my achilles tendon.  My achilles tendon holds me back and I always have a nagging sense of fear (well, maybe not that strong) that I am going to hurt it again and really be out of the game for a long time.  My achilles tendon starts to cramp after 5 or so miles  and no matter what I do or how much endurance I have, the cramps come.  Then comes the inflammation, the stretching, the ice baths, and a little bit of limping.  My achilles tendon was doing pretty well post-surgery until my mileage started to increase.  Now, as the half-marathon is just about 2 weeks away I am feeling the training more than ever.  I want to do well in the race but at the same time I don't want to push myself so hard that I hurt myself.

I have honestly grown to love running.  Mind you I am not saying that I'm good at it, but I truly like it.  The last two weeks it just hasn't been as fun, though.  I've been logging the miles because I know that I have to in order to train properly but I can't say it has always brought a smile to my face.  I can't wait for the half-marathon to be over because then I will be able to go back to running because I want to and run the distances that I want to when I want to.  Sure, I will likely still wear my watch but that is more to feed my "inner geek" with the stats than the actual time on the clock.

I've also been frustrated because I am about $600 away from my fundraising goal.  I really want to meet my fundraising goal.  I am sick of sending out emails asking people to donate to a cause that i deem worthy and meaningful.  I know that my friends and colleagues must be sick of getting the emails as well.  (Hint, please give any type of donation and I'll stop bothering you.)  I think that if I am able to start the race knowing that I have et my fundraising goal that I will feel a lot more relaxed about the race.

As Thanksgiving approaches (can't believe it is in a week) I think back to this time last year.  A year ago this coming Saturday I was in Los Angeles with my sister, brother-in-law, and niece.  My sister and I went for a run that was about 3 miles.  It was the first time that we had ever been able to run together.  It meant a lot to me because it showed me how far I had come in the previous 6 months.  This Saturday I am going to run 10 miles.  There is a little piece of me, though, that wishes I was going to be taking that same 3 mile run with my sister.  Last year, there was no doubt that she was a better runner than I was.  This year I know that I could take her --- even with my "achilles heel".

While I am getting in my 10 miles on Saturday I am just going to think back to last year and the feeling of complete joy that I felt by simply being able to keep up with my sister on that run last year.  Remembering that feeling of pure exhilaration may make 10 miles seem like an exciting run instead of simply logging in miles.

31 Miles. Who Would Have Thought? Certainly Not Me.

This Saturday I have to run 11 miles.  That is a distance that isn't short but also not one that you think of as extremely long.  For me it is going to be 44 laps around the track of my former high school.  That way it is pavement, but it will be easier on my achilles.  Doing on a treadmill would give me a false sense of security and I don't need that going into the half.  I made that mistake before Toronto and I won't do it again.

It is hard to believe that the race is less than a month away.  It seems like just yesterday that I signed up for the race with my friends.  It seems like just yesterday that I planned a training schedule (which I haven't religiously followed despite my best intentions to do so).  It seems like just yesterday that I mentally prepared to psych myself up for this in the aftermath of an achilles injury.  I originally had time goals for this race.  I'll admit, though, that those have gone by the wayside.  Now it is about finishing the race.  It is about finishing the race and raising the amount of money that I set out to raise for Atticus Circle.

At the office today one of my partners had a blood pressure cuff in his office and offered to take my blood pressure.  I was curious so I agreed.  My blood pressure has never been an issue --- even when I was 70 pounds heavier (yes, you read that correctly).  I was pleasantly surprised, though, at how relatively low my blood pressure was today.  My partner said my blood pressure was amazing.  I thought about it for a second and then realized that I have run over 20 miles this week.  Suddenly I didn't feel like such a slacker anymore.

It is incidents like that one that put everything in perspective for me.  It is incidents like that one that make me feel like a runner.  20 miles in a week (and it;s only Thursday) isn't insignificant.  Add the 11 miles that I plan to run on Saturday and that is 31 miles in a week.  18 months ago I never imagined, not even in my wildest dreams, that I would be running 31 miles in a week.  I may not cross the finish line at record pace when when I think that I'm running 31 miles this week (and playing tennis a few times) I have to grin.

This week has been crappy.  This week has been one of the most difficult weeks that I have had in a very long time.  I was confronted with issues this week that made me question a lot of things,  I had to question who I am as a person and what I am able/willing to put up with.  I had to question how much I am willing to be tortured and how much of my sanity I am willing to sacrifice in the process.  The decisions were tough, and I still am struggling with them a little bit.  But the one thing that I do know is that I was able to make the decisions I did because of where I am physically.  If I was not where I am physically I may not have had the self assurance to do what I did.

Last Saturday I had an amazing run.  Last Sunday my run sucked.  It didn't suck because of the speed.  It sucked because I felt sluggish.  But I did it.  I finished it.  And then I finished two other runs this week.  One felt great and another mediocre, but I finished them.  Looking back at those runs --- and putting them in perspective with the grand scheme of my week --- I can't feel so bad about them.  Those runs, no matter how crappy I thought they were at the time, helped me get through the week.  I truthfully don't know that I would have been able to get through the week without them (or some form of exercise).  To me that means I have come a long way.

So, less than a month to do.  My promise to myself in the time until the half is not to classify my runs as good or bad but as something that I am doing for me.  It is time where I can think, listen to music, and escape from the world (even if just for an hour).  My promise to myself is to remember how far I have come instead of focusing on how far I have to go.  My promise to myself is to simply put one foot in front of the other and try to smile as best I can.  The fact that I am able to run 31 miles in a week is a gift.  It is a gift that most who know me never would have imagined me having.

This weekend I promise to figure out how to upload photos.  There have been a lot of cool running related photos in the last 2 months.

If You Think Kim Kardashian Is Ridiculous Please Donate To Atticus Circle In Conjunction With My Participation in the Las Vegas Rock N'Roll Half Marathon on December 4

I am sorry if this is redundant or if you have already heard from me.  A month from Sunday I will be running the Rock N’Roll Las Vegas Half Marathon. In doing so I am raising money for an amazing organization called Atticus Circle.  Atticus Circle is a 501(c)(3) non-profit that educates and mobilizes straight people to advance equal rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) partners, parents, and their children. Atticus Circle provides information about the rights of parents and partners denied on the basis of sexual orientation. It seeks to create cultural and attitudinal change by helping people understand the unique challenges and discrimination same-gender couples and their families face, and by encouraging acceptance of all families and partnerships. Atticus Circle conducts research, publishes materials, and works with businesses and policy institutions to develop ideas and policies that foster equal rights for same gender partners and their families. In running I am, as my t-shirt will read, STANDING UP STRAIGHT FOR EQUAL RIGHTS.

Several months ago when I found Atticus Circle my opinions about this issue were strong --- that same-sex marriage should be legal.  I am not gay. But if I was, it wouldn't matter. People are who they are and their sexual orientation is only one element of who they are. My friends are my friends whether or not they are gay. All of my friends, whether gay or straight, deserve to have the same rights.  They all deserve equal right to marry and equal rights to enjoy the benefits of marriage whether they are gay or straight.  They deserve those rights and their children deserve for them to have those rights.

In the last few days I have been forced to hear about the 72 day marriage of a celebrity.  This has outraged me because not only did this celebrity seemingly not take the institution of marriage very seriously, but she made millions of dollars off of the wedding.  Now, 72 days later the celebrity is divorcing yet has made millions of dollars doing so.  All the while I have many friends fighting for the legal right to marry their spouses, something they are not legally entitled to do despite the fact they are in 100% committed and loving relationships that have lasted far longer than this celebrity’s television show has been on the air.  My friends aren’t seeking attention, fanfare, or million dollar weddings.  My friends work hard, pay taxes like everyone else, yet don’t have the same rights as everyone else.  To me, this is nothing short of injustice.

Over the years I have generally always donated when asked to when a friend has been involved in a race, etc. for an organization.  Truthfully, I haven’t always supported the organizations or even have known what they were --- but I wanted to support my friends in their respective endeavors.  Those of you who know me likely never thought that you would see me spending so much time running much less running a half marathon.  My life has changed a lot in that regard.  Part of that change, which has largely occurred through running, has been to be unabashed in speaking up for those things that I believe in.  Raising money for Atticus Circle is one of those things. 

I am close to reaching my goal.  I would really appreciate if you would consider making a donation to Atticus Circle so that I can surpass my goals and spend my last month of training knowing that I have done what I set out to do in terms of fundraising.  To make a donation to Atticus Circle in conjunction with my fundraising efforts, please to http://www.atticuscircle.org/. All gifts are tax deductible. No gift is too large or too small.

You will be able to follow my progress, both related to training for the half marathon and in raising money for Atticus Circle on this blog (http://runserenarun.blogspot.com/), on twitter (http://www.twitter.com/@sepollack), on my Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/serenapollack), and on the Atticus Circle Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/StandUpWithAtticusCircle).

Seven Miles.

I ran 7 miles tonight.  It didn't feel so great at parts of the run.  I had to do it on a treadmill because of the timing.  Luckily, I had episodes of Modern Family to get me through.  I ran a mile and would then walk for 2 minutes, followed by running another mile, etc.  My pace was steady.  I stretched.  I'm icing now.  I actually feel OK.  Truthfully I feel better now than I would expect to physically.  Mentally I do feel better.  It was the first time in a long time that I had truly "escaped" during a run.  I didn't think about work.  I didn't think about family.  I didn't think about the upcoming half marathon.  I didn't think about much.  No music.  No people.  No conversation. 

Despite everything that has been going on in real life my friends from New Orleans came up to Wisconsin on Friday.  I spent some time with them on Friday night and Saturday in Madison.  It took me a while to "let it go" but I was able to.  My friends are amazing and they literally forced me to have fun.  Sometimes you forget how much you need that.  I didn't drink as a way to relieve stress.  It didn't even cross my mind.  I admittedly ate some things that aren't ideal for training, but I was in Madison on gameday.  Mickie's Dairy Bar is a gameday tradition. 

I knew that my friends were going to lecture me.  In fact, I was expecting it.  They know how much I have going on and how I am trying to get it all in while also giving myself time for me.  They were coming from a good place and once I told them I knew the importance of taking time for me and that I was truly trying to do so they didn't pressure me.  Instead, they made a deal with me that as long as I took my time with them to relax and have fun that the rest would come in due time.  So, I did just that.  I let go.  I relaxed.  I had fun.  I enjoyed being with my friends and I love and appreciate them so much for taking the time to spend time with me in Wisconsin.

Life and exercise go hand in hand.  They have to in order to lead a healthy and balanced life.  I was supposed to run 7 miles on Saturday.  I thought that I would be able to fit it in on Sunday, but that didn't happen.  Rather than stress about it, I found a way to fit it in tonight.  Maybe the timing wasn't perfect and it will throw the training off but I got it in.  I got it in and now I'm better able to deal with everything that I have to finish tonight.  Seven miles wasn't perfect -- but I got it in.  Maybe that is how I have to try to lead my life --- not perfectly but trying to get in as much as I can.

Wanting to Run Versus Needing to Run

My father had major surgery yesterday.  When I saw him tonight he was on major pain killers.  Admittedly I was exhausted when I saw him tonight.  It has been a long few months and an even longer week.  Despite that I was quite surprised when my father said that I looked "really stressed" and needed to go to the gym to relax.  I was stressed.  I can't deny it.  I wanted (well, needed) to go to the gym, get my training run in, and sleep.  I haven't been sleeping well lately.  Even when I've wanted to there has been too much on my mind to do so.  I even took an ambien one night last week and I had so much going on that I still wasn't able to sleep.

The last thing that I wanted to do was anything that involved thought and discussion.  But my little sister needed help with her history test; she was only allowed to bring it home tonight and review the errors that she had made.  The topic of her test was the Constitution and judiciary (it is American History) so the test was, theoretically, right up my alley.  She is an uber smart kid but was having some issues conceptually understanding federal jurisdiction and the different ways to achieve it.  Truth be told, I don't know that I truly understood the subject until I finished my second year of law school so why I expected that she would get it based on an 8th grade text book I don't quite know.  (Shit, the fact that she is learning all of this in 8th grade is impressive enough.)

Why do I mention all of this?  I don't really know.  A few weeks ago some of my friends lectured me about needing to do more for me.  I heard them, I really did, but based on the craziness of life I haven't been able to implement their suggestions as much as I would like to.  I did try to run tonight.  It was a futile effort.  Even though the distance was 4.3 miles it was crap.  I was never mentally in the run.  I spent the entire time thinking about everything I had to do and trying to figure out whether there was time to get it all done.  Sure, I sweat which was great.  I burned calories and presumably diffused some stress.  I don't feel better, though.  I still am exhausted and want to sleep but I can't fall asleep.

I did realize something tonight.  Six months ago running was something that I did for me.  It was me being selfish and pushing myself.  It was me getting excited about running gear and trying to reach goals that I never thought I would attain.  Now, especially with so many balls in the air, running is something that I do for those around me.  If I don't run (or exercise in some manner) then I'm not much fun to be around.  Running and exercising is what I need to do in order to at least give the appearance that I am balancing all of the balls that I have in the air.  Funny how that shift occurred and I don't know when it did --- but it happened.

I used to tease the people who said that if they didn't have coffee, or so many hours of sleep, or get to the gym that they were miserable to be around.  I thought they were simply saying what they thought they had to say because it was what the magazines, TV shows, etc. were saying.  I was a real asshole for doing so.  I can now say that I am one of those people.  I don't function as well if I don't get that run in.  Does that make me a legitimate runner?

If it does maybe that will ease my mind a little bit.  If it eases my mind enough to let me sleep for just 2-3 hours I'd be eternally grateful.  I might be so grateful that I would run tomorrow because I want to rather than need to.

Learning a Life Lesson Through Watching My Friend Run the Chicago Marathon

We plan and God laughs.  I heard that expression years ago and didn't fully appreciate it.  In fact, I don't know that I really understood it beyond the words until this afternoon.  God has been laughing a lot lately in relation to my plans, so much so that he may be in hysterics.  Such is life.  I say that a lot but I'd be lying if I said I always believed it.  Doing anything other than trying to get through each day with a smile and get done as much as I can is all that I've been able to try to do. 

This weekend, when I originally planned it in February, was to be a big one.  The Chicago Marathon was today.  I signed up to run it with my friend Gen.  Those plans fell by the wayside in May/June when I blew out my achilles tendon during a half marathon.  (I had committed to raising money for Atticus Circle through the Chicago Marathon.  Luckily I am able to do so through the Las Vegas Rock N'Roll Half Marathon in December.)  Suddenly the Chicago Marathon (much less any full marathon) was not in my future.  I've struggled a lot through the last few months without having the Chicago Marathon as a goal, something on the calendar that was definite and I was accountable for.  The whole time that I was having issues finding my focus again, both in life and in terms of running, Gen was busy training.  I have been so impressed with her the entire time.  She never complained and was always positive.  She gave me crap about hurting myself and being more careful, but it was sincere and never mean.

Today was the day.  Even though I couldn't physically run it with Gen, and even though I have 50 balls in the air right now that I am trying not to drop, there was no way that I wasn't going to be there to watch her and support her.  Since signing up for this race in February she has raised an enormous amount of money for cancer research.  She has trained and managed to be an incredible wife, mother, as well as run a successful business.  She has also been an incredible friend who has been there when many others haven't been.  I knew that it may be difficult to be there and that I may be a little jealous of her while she ran, but I wasn't going to miss it.  What I witnessed today was one of the most incredible acts of heroism that I have ever seen in my life.  This is not something that I say lightly.  It wasn't something that I thought I would see when the race started this morning.

I have been around athletics all my life even though I didn't always participate.  When the inspirational sports pieces come out during the Olympics, Super Bowl, etc. I am always in tears.  Those inspirational sports pieces make me more emotional than chick flicks, etc.  I have always had the utmost respect for people who persevere and are able to do so despite enormous difficulty.  In fact, I most often respect those people more than those with innate talent.  As Vince Lombardi said, talent comes before work only in the dictionary.

Gen raised a ton of money in a very impressive manner.  She dedicated/honored a different person with each mile.  She truly cared.  She had a "game plan" and was on track to meet it.  Then she blew out her knee.  She planned and God laughed.  She went to the medics, who taped her and cleared her to finish.  She was determined to finish the marathon as long as she wasn't harming herself, even if it wasn't according to her "game plan".  Mind you, by the time that she hurt her knee at roughly the half way point she had been elbowed in the face, peed on (no, I am not kidding), and pushed around. 

When we saw her at roughly mile 21 she was in pain.  She tried to cover it up and was doing a very impressive job trying to do so.  I kept my mouth shut.  We walked with her through mile 24; at that point the course was barricaded and we couldn't walk with her any more.  With each step I was more and more impressed with her and the true generosity and heroism she displayed with each and every painful step.  She was carrying a Flip Video Camera with her so that she could record each and every mile and tape who she was dedicating/honoring with that mile --- she had carefully planned this before the start of the race.  At mile 24 she pulled out the video camera and said that mile 24 was for me.  I was so thankful that I was wearing sunglasses because I knew that showing the tears that were in my eyes at that point, while she was in so much pain yet had her mind set on finishing, wasn't appropriate.  In fact, there were several points during those 3 miles that we walked with her that I was near tears.  For 13 miles she put pain behind perseverance.

The last .5 miles of the Chicago Marathon is tough.  I previously wrote about it after the Shamrock Shuffle in April.  You see --- it is uphill.  That is the last .5 miles of the Shamrock Shuffle as well.  When Gen and I ran it during the Shamrock Shuffle my achilles was on fire.  We made a deal to walk up the hill and then run it in for the last .2 miles.  Part of the deal was that when we hit that point in the Chicago Marathon we would be running up that hill together.  As Gen approached that final uphill I felt terrible, like I was letting her down and hadn't followed through on my promise.  Gen was in pain, it was apparent to those who knew her, but she wasn't letting it on to anyone else.  She was in pain but she somehow managed to jog the last .5 miles.  I don't know how she did it.  I don't know how she found the strength.  But she did.

Watching Gen finish the Chicago Marathon, despite everything that was working against her, was one of the most gutsy and heroic things that I have ever seen in my life.  She put those people she dedicated/honored first and put her "game plan" on the side to do it.  She threw out ego and pain to put others first.  I don't know that I could/would have done that.  I am forever changed as a result of seeing it.  It may not seem like much to you reading this but it meant so much to me.  Gen personified the phrase, "we plan and God laughs."  As a result of seeing her being so gutsy and heroic I understand the phrase a little more and I'm able to put everything in perspective a little more than I could 24 hours ago.

I'm not a particularly religious person, especially this year, when God has been laughing so hard.  Yom Kippur was 24 hours ago.  Yom Kippur is the most holy Jewish holiday.  On Yom Kippur, even though I fasted as I am commanded to do as a Jew, I ran.  To me the run was spiritual and I reflected during it.  I reflected on the last year.  I reflected on the miles I've run.  I reflected on the laughter and tears.  I reflected on the friends who have helped put the last year in perspective.  I reflected on my siblings who I couldn't imagine living without.  I reflected on making plans and having God laugh. 

Between my Yom Kippur run and Gen's heroism today I think I'm better able to face the year ahead.  My plans may fall by the wayside, however, I will continue to make them.  I'll embrace the unexpected/unplanned a little more than I have in the past.  I'll try to laugh a little bit more at the irony of it all. 

When I signed up for the Chicago Marathon last year I expected that my life would change, in some ways, by the time I crossed the finish line.  I expected crossing that finish line and being changed as a person.  My expectations were met, even though not in the way I had planned.  I learned a life lesson today through watching, rather than running, a marathon.

Memento Vivere

Last April I had the words "memento vivere" permanently placed on my wrist. The Latin translation is "remember to live". My sister and many of my friends mocked me asking if I really needed a reminder to remember to live. I said no, that I didn't need the reminder in a literal sense, but from time to time I would need to remind myself of the adage. Truthfully, I didn't think I would need the reminder so soon.

I'm starting to get a little worried. I have a half marathon 2 months from this very minute. I am behind in my mileage. Its not intentional. I've been on antibiotics for a few weeks now and I sound like I have been smoking several packs a day for years. I've tried to run but I can't take air in without hacking. I tried today, went to to track and everything, and a quarter mile in I had to stop. I walked a few miles and then walked a few miles on the treadmill on an incline. I'm worried about my endurance. I'm worried because my achilles is a little achy. I'm sitting here, with ice on my ankles, and all of a sudden I looked down to my wrist. Memento Vivere.

By worrying about mileage I'm not living at all. If anything, it is taking away from me "living". I have to remind myself not to focus on the negative but the positive and, by doing so, I will (ideally) remember to live. A 15k in a month. A 21k (half marathon) in 2 months. It will get done. Maybe it won't be as fast as I want, but I will finish it. Only if I have fun while training will I be living. Otherwise I'll be miserable. What is the point of doing any of this if I am miserable. So, if anyone has any suggestions about how to make this fun again please let me know.

Part of the problem is I have always equated fit people and athletes with being able to run distances. Marathons. Half marathons. Going out and just running 5 miles on a Saturday. I have to find a way for my beliefs (in this regard) to change. I'm making a pledge to try new things to help change my beliefs. Once I can breathe again I am going to try a spin class, get into a Bikram class, TRX training, etc. I may bitch and moan during the process, but maybe that will just signify that I am living.

Lectures, Balance, and Trying to do it All

Finding time to fit everything in is tough. Family. Work. Taking care of yourself. Sleep. Choices are involved in it all. Choices to put some things ahead of others, to put others ahead of you, etc. I haven't been so good at this lately. Last Saturday night I was lectured by my friends. It wasn't subtle but it was honest. They were concerned and saw things that I hadn't noticed. I've thought about it all week.

I was sick last week. It started as allergies and ended up as an infection. It happens to me annually when my allergies start in my sinuses and head south to my chest. Eventually I started antibiotics. It's not fun and I waited too long to do so because I was worried about too many other things and people and didn't put myself first. My sister Ali is sick too and has been all week also. Our dad is having surgery next week so we can't get him sick. That distracted me.

Why do I mention this? Because I can't let these things keep invading my time to focus on me and take care of me. I know why my friends lectured me and I truly understand why they did. I see it and realize it but I'm still not being proactive. Why? It pisses me off. I keep worrying about everyone else and not enough about me.

Granted I couldn't breath much of the week, but my running sucked. Resting much of the week was in my best interest but I could have found something to do to help me focus, train, and take care of me. Six months ago I thought I had figured so much of this out and was so good a out carving out time for me. It was easy then, though, because I was by myself without my family. I didn't have to report to anyone or check in daily. They were 1,000 miles away and as much as they were a part of my daily life they weren't. An email or text from 1,000 miles away is really different than being there and knowing and living each other's daily schedules, etc. It was different being 1,000 miles away and not having that direct feeling and reality of responsibility.

Don't get me wrong, I really like life up here and I love being around my family. My job is great and I love the people I work with. Being around the Badgers is amazing as well. I'm just having a tough time balancing it all --- the race is quickly approaching. I want to do well for me but also for Atticus Circle and many others.

Any suggestions out there? Things I can implement? Tools to use? I am not so shallow to think this can only apply to my running --- but applying it there will be a start.

Tonight I was so stupid as to try to run. I was supposed to do 5 miles today. After a mile I was hacking and coughing so badly that I couldn't breathe. I stopped. I got on the bike for a while, and then I stopped. i did some weights, some sit-ups, and tried not to feel terrible or that I had fallen behind. I didn't feel like this last year --- the sense of constantly being behind in training (and in life). About 9 weeks to go. I hope my posts get more positive and uplifting. Sorry about this one.

Bottom line is that I have so much respect for those people who are able to fit most of it in and to balance it all. You know who I am talking about; those people who make it all look easy. It isn't easy, and it can't be for them either. They are just doing a much better job than I am of finding a way to get it all in.

I've Got A Half Marathon to Train (And Raise Money) For

Less than 3 months until race day. It hit me this weekend. It's not like I'm not working out but I have to admit my mileage hasn't been where it should be. That ended yesterday. 5 miles yesterday (some of which was intervals) was painful. My calves were sore today. By tonight they were really sore. But, I put in 3 miles tonight. I tried the run 10 minutes, walk 2 minutes method tonight. I liked it. Might be my new thing.

I've committed to raising money for Atticus Circle in relation to the half marathon (www.atticuscircle.org). Moreover, I got two friends (and amazing authors) Stacey Ballis and Jen Lancaster to do it with me and also raise money for this amazing organization. Now, more than ever, this organization is so important. There have been huge advances this summer --- advances that make me smile --- and we need to keep pushing this issue by advocacy. That's my political shpiel for now.

When I trained for my last half I wore Michigan clothes because I lost a bet. The crappy Michigan clothes motivated me. So, yesterday I wore the Atticus Circle t-shirt that says "Gay, Fine By Me". It did motivate me. I'm doing this half marathon for more than just me. Obviously I do want to do well and get a PR --- but making a difference through raising money and awareness may be more important.

Before my run tonight I met an old friend to catch up. It had been far too long. Truth be told, I wasn't in a great place the last time we saw one another (years ago) and I likely lashed out at her. Thinking about it the last few days, after she graciously reached out to me, made me sad. I lost out on many years of a great person and friend. I was a little nervous tonight but we picked up at a good place. Time has changed us both. I told her that I'm finally comfortable with who I am and I'm not trying to be someone I'm not and can never be. Running has helped me get there.

Tonight's meeting came on the heels of meeting another old friend for lunch. Another person I hadn't seen in years. It was so amazing to catch up. We are no longer 20 year olds who go out to bars, etc. We are adults. We work hard. We try to carve out a little time every day for ourselves and our sanity. Some days we fail. I tried to convince her to come run with me. She told me she doesn't run. I responded by saying I didn't use to run either and if I can do it anyone can. I haven't given up on her.

A lot has changed since I started this blog. I'm not running a marathon in a few weeks. I will be there, though, to cheer Gen on. I was going to run it with her. I'm envious of het and proud of her and excited for her. But part of me finally being comfortable with me is knowing a Marathi isn't in my future and despite that, I can still call myself a runner.

This blog started as my journey in trying to become a runner. I'm a runner now. I might not be what you think of as a runner but I don't care. Being a runner to me is wanting to run, liking to run, and liking how I feel after I run. So,I'm a runner. Now, I'm trying to be a faster runner.

Sorry this is so disjointed. This was written on an iPad. I'm still getting the gist of this. Give me time.

Day off tomorrow. Planning on5 miles during the Saints/Packers game on Thursday.