Who Would Have Thought

I remember it all too clearly.  It was a Saturday in early April.  I had just flown into Chicago early that morning.  The week had been a long one and I was working on little to no sleep.  The next day was my first "test"; I would be running the 8K Shamrock Shuffle with my friend Gen.  I had been getting over initial issues with my achilles and thought I was on the mend.  The Toronto Half Marathon was 2 months away.  The Chicago Marathon was 6 months away --- literally.  I was excited to be in Chicago with my friends and at the prospect of running.

I met Gen and Brooke for lunch.  Gen mentioned this half marathon in Las Vegas that she wanted to do.  After all, they would shut down the Strip for the race.  Why not?  I told her that I was in.  After all, it wasn't until December 4 and it was only early April.  In the coming weeks I continued to have issues with my achilles.  I finished my first half marathon over Memorial Day in Toronto but tore my achilles in the process.  Surgery followed.  The Chicago Marathon was not longer an option as a result, but Vegas was still in the picture.  In fact, I signed up for Vegas while I was on crutches after the half marathon in Toronto --- I was just back home but hadn't had surgery yet.  It was something that was going to help push me.

There was surgery, there were casts, there was PT.  My achilles improved and my confident waxed and wained.  I moved from New Orleans back to Wisconsin and encountered new challenges in terms of life (as well as amazing new things).  Training was up and down with both good and bad days.  But, here I am.  Tomorrow morning I get on a plane to go to Vegas.  On Sunday I will compete in my second half marathon during this calendar year.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would do this.  I almost have to pinch myself.

As I left the office tonight my colleagues were wishing me luck.  The last few weeks they have been amazing and incredibly supportive --- especially this week as I have battled the stomach flu and have worried about hydration levels.  I'm nervous about the race.  I know that I will finish it but I worry about my time and getting it done in the way that I would like to.  I suppose there will always be another opportunity if I don't do what I set out to do with this race.

In the process I've come across some amazing people.  In fact, just today I was incredibly surprised by a woman named Mandy who works with the Yurbuds company.  (As an aside, this company is amazing and really cares about its customers.  If you do not already use its products I encourage you to as they are the most amazing earphones for runners ever invented and that is not something that I say lightly).  Mandy went out of her way, when she didn't have to, to make sure this company stood my its product and get me new earphones so that I wasn't without on Sunday.  My earphones had broke last week and this is a company that is standing by its product and replacing it even though I couldn't find the receipt.  People usually don't do that anymore.  Many and Yurbuds, though, went out of their way because they wanted to help me make sure that I have a great race on Sunday.  That meant so much to me.  My trainer current trainer in Milwaukee (Matt Bartz) and my former trainer in New Orleans (Liberdy Welsh) are two more incredible people who have been a part of this journey.  Without them I don't know that I would have "gotten up" after some of the bad runs and they encouraged me to stick with it.

There are the incredible people who have donated money to Atticus Circle in support of my run.  These people have believed in me enough to donate money to this incredible organization.  They have done so without question because they know that it is important to me.  I am very thankful and appreciative and am sincere when I say how lucky I am to have them in my life.

Then there are the 4 amazing women who are crazy enough to come to Vegas and run on Sunday.  I am so excited to spend time with them this weekend and relax.  I am thanking them in advance for being brave enough to watch the Big Ten Championship Game with me on Saturday night and being willing to don Badger clothes in the process.  I am thankful that they have followed through and are going to Vegas with me to run.  I love that these are some of the only people who will be able to get me to stay awake past 10 p.m.

December 1 of last year I never would have imagined that a year later I would be able to say that I finished to half marathons in 2011.  Anything is possible and I'll see you at the finish line on Sunday night. 

An Emotional Ride, But I Am Still In This For The Long Haul.

The last few weeks have been very difficult.  Frankly, I have been depressed.  The way that I have learned to deal with stress, difficulty, etc. during the last year or so has been going to the gym and working out.  Because of my achilles, I haven't been able to.  I haven't been focused, I have been wallowing, and it has just sucked.  Sunday I was able to swim.  Granted, I wasn't yet able to use my legs, however, the act of using my arms to get some aerobic activity did me more good than most people may ever know.  It is going to be a long road back to where I was.  I brought this upon myself through being hard headed; I admit that now and realize my errors.  Realizing those errors, though, don't get me out of where I am now.  I have to find new ways to exercise (aerobically) until I can do what has made me most happy during the past few months --- running.

I know that when people look at me they don't see a runner.  It is almost as if I have the costume but still can't play the part.  I know that even though I have lost an enormous amount of weight, that I still have a ways to go.  My legs are extremely short and my pace isn't the fastest.  My endurance is good, but I can still improve. But, I still get out there and do it.  I get my heart rate up.  I get into a groove.  It makes me feel good.  For too many years I let what people may have thought of me prevent me from taking care of me.  Looking back, how stupid was that of me.  It really didn't matter if I went to the gym and people snickered because I was out of shape or didn't look like I should be there.  I would have been helping myself so much sooner than I did.  I may never "look" like a runner to other people.  That is OK.  As long as I feel like a runner is all that is important to me.  Based on my injury, and specifically the surgery, I haven't felt like a runner.  I haven't even felt like I could write about trying to be a runner.  It has felt fake.

This morning I spoke to one of my friends who made a very big decision --- a decision that will change his life.  I am incredibly proud of him.  He is dedicating himself to getting into shape.  It was a brave and difficult decision, one that I remember making.  I spent time talking to him about, at least initially, not telling too many people about my decision based on my fear that I would fail.  I told him that what was most important was setting realistic goals and not focusing on a number because this was a life journey and not a short sprint.  I told him that no matter what anyone says or does, no matter what the number is he sees on the scale, no matter if he has a bad day or a sore day or a lazy day, that he has to keep reminding himself of how brave he was to make this decision and about the progress that he is making.  In the end, though, it is his journey and not mine.  I don't know if he will ever know how much his brave decision got me in check (at least the starting phases of being in check).

About 6 weeks ago I announced that I was raising money for Atticus Circle through running the Chicago Marathon.  Atticus Circle is an absolutely amazing organization that I believe in more than ever.  Without the type of work that Atticus Circle does on a daily basis we will not see important social changes during my lifetime.  I really believe that.  I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to "get better" so that I can run the Chicago Marathon and continue with my fundraising efforts.  The truth is, though, that if I run the Chicago Marathon I will be hurting myself --- kind of like I did by being hard headed and running the half marathon several weeks ago.  (We all know what the result of that was.)  I want to be a person who follows through on what I saw I am going to do, but at the same time I can't do so and hurt myself in the process.  My doctors are telling me that a full marathon likely isn't a distance that I should ever run; the strain on my achilles (even after repair) will be too much.  Doing a half marathon or two a year, though, if I train properly and am honest with myself about when I am hurt is realistic.

I have spoken to most of the people who have already donated to Atticus Circle in conjunction with my fundraising efforts with the Chicago Marathon.  Those who I have spoken to said they were completely fine with changing my fundraising efforts --- doing them in conjunction with the Rock N'Roll La Vegas Half Marathon on December 4, 2011.  So, in an effort to not only follow through on my promises but also in an effort to take care of me --- that is what I am going to do.  The thing is that even though the overall distance has been cut in half (from 26.2 miles to 13.1) my goal is still to raise at least $2,620.00 for Atticus Circle.  My friends and family have been so incredibly supportive thus far.  I have been blown away by the generosity of so many people.  I am confident than in the coming months that I will be able to rehab my achilles, train for the half marathon, and surpass my fundraising goals for Atticus Circle.

So, am I still a bit depressed?  Yes.  Is the depression brought on by my own stupidity and being hard headed?  Yes.  Will it pass?  I hope so.  What I do know is that trying to stay positive and focus on the good is going to get me through this difficult time.  Focusing on rehabbing my achilles, getting back to running, and raising money for Atticus Circle is going to get me through this.  Seeing brave people, like my friend, make huge and important life decisions is going to get me through this.  And, being honest with myself and taking care of myself is going to get me through this.  If I don't take care of myself, no one else is going to.  And, if I don't take care of myself I won't be able to help anyone else.

If I start to wax poetic in the coming weeks/months, please stop me.  This too will pass (i.e. injury, PT, depression, etc.).  I will run again and I will be happy to do it, whatever the pace or distance is.  And, if you are so inclined, you can remind me by making a donation to Atticus Circle (www.atticuscircle.org).

Not Repeating Last Week's Mistake.

So last week the plan was that the day after the 9 mile run (i.e. Wednesday) I was to go to the gym to do the elliptical (i.e. Cybex) for 30 minutes or so to work out the lactic acid, followed by weights.  Wednesday night I was feeling decently but just didn't have the energy to go to the gym --- so I didn't.  BIG MISTAKE.  Come late Wednesday night and Thursday morning, I was definitely feeling the 9 mile run.

I have to admit, I felt pretty good today.  I was even chatting via email with my friend Evan who completed an 11 mile training run yesterday for a half marathon that he is running in 2 weeks; we both said that we actually felt decently today.  My only muscles that felt a little tight were my hip flexors.  I am swamped work wise, but made myself go to the gym.  I feel great now --- sometimes the hardest thing to do is just get to the gym.  But I digress.....

30 minutes on the elliptical (i.e. Cybex) --- the intensity level stayed the same but I took the elevation up every 10 minutes.  I stretched really well, and then followed that with something that I truly haven't done in a while.  I dedicated 60 minutes to weights and core without cardio.  I really feel energized now (which is a good thing as it is going to be a really long night work wise).  Tomorrow I am taking the day off and will get into the gym on Wednesday before my trip to Milwaukee this weekend.

I'm going to Milwaukee for my little sister's (as opposed to my younger sister, who is 2 years younger) bat-mitzvah.  I am a little worried about the trip on several fronts.  First, I have so much to do with this upcoming trial that being away from the office right now is not ideal.  Second, I have to get an 11 mile training run in sometime over the weekend --- and my time is pretty much accounted for with family related activities.  Third, my younger sister, brother-in-law, and niece (the most important person) are going to be there from the other LA (i.e. Los Angeles) and I am obviously going to want to spend some quality time with them (in addition to my younger brother and his fiance, parents, etc.).  Somehow I am going to have to find a way to fit it all in --- which as we all know by this point is not my biggest strength.  I'll do my best to figure it all out.

More information will be coming out shortly about the non-profit that I am raising money for through my participation in the Chicago Marathon ---- Atticus Circle (http://www.atticuscircle.org/).  Please stay tuned for that and please think about making a donation to this amazing organization.