31 Miles. Who Would Have Thought? Certainly Not Me.

This Saturday I have to run 11 miles.  That is a distance that isn't short but also not one that you think of as extremely long.  For me it is going to be 44 laps around the track of my former high school.  That way it is pavement, but it will be easier on my achilles.  Doing on a treadmill would give me a false sense of security and I don't need that going into the half.  I made that mistake before Toronto and I won't do it again.

It is hard to believe that the race is less than a month away.  It seems like just yesterday that I signed up for the race with my friends.  It seems like just yesterday that I planned a training schedule (which I haven't religiously followed despite my best intentions to do so).  It seems like just yesterday that I mentally prepared to psych myself up for this in the aftermath of an achilles injury.  I originally had time goals for this race.  I'll admit, though, that those have gone by the wayside.  Now it is about finishing the race.  It is about finishing the race and raising the amount of money that I set out to raise for Atticus Circle.

At the office today one of my partners had a blood pressure cuff in his office and offered to take my blood pressure.  I was curious so I agreed.  My blood pressure has never been an issue --- even when I was 70 pounds heavier (yes, you read that correctly).  I was pleasantly surprised, though, at how relatively low my blood pressure was today.  My partner said my blood pressure was amazing.  I thought about it for a second and then realized that I have run over 20 miles this week.  Suddenly I didn't feel like such a slacker anymore.

It is incidents like that one that put everything in perspective for me.  It is incidents like that one that make me feel like a runner.  20 miles in a week (and it;s only Thursday) isn't insignificant.  Add the 11 miles that I plan to run on Saturday and that is 31 miles in a week.  18 months ago I never imagined, not even in my wildest dreams, that I would be running 31 miles in a week.  I may not cross the finish line at record pace when when I think that I'm running 31 miles this week (and playing tennis a few times) I have to grin.

This week has been crappy.  This week has been one of the most difficult weeks that I have had in a very long time.  I was confronted with issues this week that made me question a lot of things,  I had to question who I am as a person and what I am able/willing to put up with.  I had to question how much I am willing to be tortured and how much of my sanity I am willing to sacrifice in the process.  The decisions were tough, and I still am struggling with them a little bit.  But the one thing that I do know is that I was able to make the decisions I did because of where I am physically.  If I was not where I am physically I may not have had the self assurance to do what I did.

Last Saturday I had an amazing run.  Last Sunday my run sucked.  It didn't suck because of the speed.  It sucked because I felt sluggish.  But I did it.  I finished it.  And then I finished two other runs this week.  One felt great and another mediocre, but I finished them.  Looking back at those runs --- and putting them in perspective with the grand scheme of my week --- I can't feel so bad about them.  Those runs, no matter how crappy I thought they were at the time, helped me get through the week.  I truthfully don't know that I would have been able to get through the week without them (or some form of exercise).  To me that means I have come a long way.

So, less than a month to do.  My promise to myself in the time until the half is not to classify my runs as good or bad but as something that I am doing for me.  It is time where I can think, listen to music, and escape from the world (even if just for an hour).  My promise to myself is to remember how far I have come instead of focusing on how far I have to go.  My promise to myself is to simply put one foot in front of the other and try to smile as best I can.  The fact that I am able to run 31 miles in a week is a gift.  It is a gift that most who know me never would have imagined me having.

This weekend I promise to figure out how to upload photos.  There have been a lot of cool running related photos in the last 2 months.

If You Think Kim Kardashian Is Ridiculous Please Donate To Atticus Circle In Conjunction With My Participation in the Las Vegas Rock N'Roll Half Marathon on December 4

I am sorry if this is redundant or if you have already heard from me.  A month from Sunday I will be running the Rock N’Roll Las Vegas Half Marathon. In doing so I am raising money for an amazing organization called Atticus Circle.  Atticus Circle is a 501(c)(3) non-profit that educates and mobilizes straight people to advance equal rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) partners, parents, and their children. Atticus Circle provides information about the rights of parents and partners denied on the basis of sexual orientation. It seeks to create cultural and attitudinal change by helping people understand the unique challenges and discrimination same-gender couples and their families face, and by encouraging acceptance of all families and partnerships. Atticus Circle conducts research, publishes materials, and works with businesses and policy institutions to develop ideas and policies that foster equal rights for same gender partners and their families. In running I am, as my t-shirt will read, STANDING UP STRAIGHT FOR EQUAL RIGHTS.

Several months ago when I found Atticus Circle my opinions about this issue were strong --- that same-sex marriage should be legal.  I am not gay. But if I was, it wouldn't matter. People are who they are and their sexual orientation is only one element of who they are. My friends are my friends whether or not they are gay. All of my friends, whether gay or straight, deserve to have the same rights.  They all deserve equal right to marry and equal rights to enjoy the benefits of marriage whether they are gay or straight.  They deserve those rights and their children deserve for them to have those rights.

In the last few days I have been forced to hear about the 72 day marriage of a celebrity.  This has outraged me because not only did this celebrity seemingly not take the institution of marriage very seriously, but she made millions of dollars off of the wedding.  Now, 72 days later the celebrity is divorcing yet has made millions of dollars doing so.  All the while I have many friends fighting for the legal right to marry their spouses, something they are not legally entitled to do despite the fact they are in 100% committed and loving relationships that have lasted far longer than this celebrity’s television show has been on the air.  My friends aren’t seeking attention, fanfare, or million dollar weddings.  My friends work hard, pay taxes like everyone else, yet don’t have the same rights as everyone else.  To me, this is nothing short of injustice.

Over the years I have generally always donated when asked to when a friend has been involved in a race, etc. for an organization.  Truthfully, I haven’t always supported the organizations or even have known what they were --- but I wanted to support my friends in their respective endeavors.  Those of you who know me likely never thought that you would see me spending so much time running much less running a half marathon.  My life has changed a lot in that regard.  Part of that change, which has largely occurred through running, has been to be unabashed in speaking up for those things that I believe in.  Raising money for Atticus Circle is one of those things. 

I am close to reaching my goal.  I would really appreciate if you would consider making a donation to Atticus Circle so that I can surpass my goals and spend my last month of training knowing that I have done what I set out to do in terms of fundraising.  To make a donation to Atticus Circle in conjunction with my fundraising efforts, please to http://www.atticuscircle.org/. All gifts are tax deductible. No gift is too large or too small.

You will be able to follow my progress, both related to training for the half marathon and in raising money for Atticus Circle on this blog (http://runserenarun.blogspot.com/), on twitter (http://www.twitter.com/@sepollack), on my Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/serenapollack), and on the Atticus Circle Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/StandUpWithAtticusCircle).

Seven Miles.

I ran 7 miles tonight.  It didn't feel so great at parts of the run.  I had to do it on a treadmill because of the timing.  Luckily, I had episodes of Modern Family to get me through.  I ran a mile and would then walk for 2 minutes, followed by running another mile, etc.  My pace was steady.  I stretched.  I'm icing now.  I actually feel OK.  Truthfully I feel better now than I would expect to physically.  Mentally I do feel better.  It was the first time in a long time that I had truly "escaped" during a run.  I didn't think about work.  I didn't think about family.  I didn't think about the upcoming half marathon.  I didn't think about much.  No music.  No people.  No conversation. 

Despite everything that has been going on in real life my friends from New Orleans came up to Wisconsin on Friday.  I spent some time with them on Friday night and Saturday in Madison.  It took me a while to "let it go" but I was able to.  My friends are amazing and they literally forced me to have fun.  Sometimes you forget how much you need that.  I didn't drink as a way to relieve stress.  It didn't even cross my mind.  I admittedly ate some things that aren't ideal for training, but I was in Madison on gameday.  Mickie's Dairy Bar is a gameday tradition. 

I knew that my friends were going to lecture me.  In fact, I was expecting it.  They know how much I have going on and how I am trying to get it all in while also giving myself time for me.  They were coming from a good place and once I told them I knew the importance of taking time for me and that I was truly trying to do so they didn't pressure me.  Instead, they made a deal with me that as long as I took my time with them to relax and have fun that the rest would come in due time.  So, I did just that.  I let go.  I relaxed.  I had fun.  I enjoyed being with my friends and I love and appreciate them so much for taking the time to spend time with me in Wisconsin.

Life and exercise go hand in hand.  They have to in order to lead a healthy and balanced life.  I was supposed to run 7 miles on Saturday.  I thought that I would be able to fit it in on Sunday, but that didn't happen.  Rather than stress about it, I found a way to fit it in tonight.  Maybe the timing wasn't perfect and it will throw the training off but I got it in.  I got it in and now I'm better able to deal with everything that I have to finish tonight.  Seven miles wasn't perfect -- but I got it in.  Maybe that is how I have to try to lead my life --- not perfectly but trying to get in as much as I can.

Wanting to Run Versus Needing to Run

My father had major surgery yesterday.  When I saw him tonight he was on major pain killers.  Admittedly I was exhausted when I saw him tonight.  It has been a long few months and an even longer week.  Despite that I was quite surprised when my father said that I looked "really stressed" and needed to go to the gym to relax.  I was stressed.  I can't deny it.  I wanted (well, needed) to go to the gym, get my training run in, and sleep.  I haven't been sleeping well lately.  Even when I've wanted to there has been too much on my mind to do so.  I even took an ambien one night last week and I had so much going on that I still wasn't able to sleep.

The last thing that I wanted to do was anything that involved thought and discussion.  But my little sister needed help with her history test; she was only allowed to bring it home tonight and review the errors that she had made.  The topic of her test was the Constitution and judiciary (it is American History) so the test was, theoretically, right up my alley.  She is an uber smart kid but was having some issues conceptually understanding federal jurisdiction and the different ways to achieve it.  Truth be told, I don't know that I truly understood the subject until I finished my second year of law school so why I expected that she would get it based on an 8th grade text book I don't quite know.  (Shit, the fact that she is learning all of this in 8th grade is impressive enough.)

Why do I mention all of this?  I don't really know.  A few weeks ago some of my friends lectured me about needing to do more for me.  I heard them, I really did, but based on the craziness of life I haven't been able to implement their suggestions as much as I would like to.  I did try to run tonight.  It was a futile effort.  Even though the distance was 4.3 miles it was crap.  I was never mentally in the run.  I spent the entire time thinking about everything I had to do and trying to figure out whether there was time to get it all done.  Sure, I sweat which was great.  I burned calories and presumably diffused some stress.  I don't feel better, though.  I still am exhausted and want to sleep but I can't fall asleep.

I did realize something tonight.  Six months ago running was something that I did for me.  It was me being selfish and pushing myself.  It was me getting excited about running gear and trying to reach goals that I never thought I would attain.  Now, especially with so many balls in the air, running is something that I do for those around me.  If I don't run (or exercise in some manner) then I'm not much fun to be around.  Running and exercising is what I need to do in order to at least give the appearance that I am balancing all of the balls that I have in the air.  Funny how that shift occurred and I don't know when it did --- but it happened.

I used to tease the people who said that if they didn't have coffee, or so many hours of sleep, or get to the gym that they were miserable to be around.  I thought they were simply saying what they thought they had to say because it was what the magazines, TV shows, etc. were saying.  I was a real asshole for doing so.  I can now say that I am one of those people.  I don't function as well if I don't get that run in.  Does that make me a legitimate runner?

If it does maybe that will ease my mind a little bit.  If it eases my mind enough to let me sleep for just 2-3 hours I'd be eternally grateful.  I might be so grateful that I would run tomorrow because I want to rather than need to.

Learning a Life Lesson Through Watching My Friend Run the Chicago Marathon

We plan and God laughs.  I heard that expression years ago and didn't fully appreciate it.  In fact, I don't know that I really understood it beyond the words until this afternoon.  God has been laughing a lot lately in relation to my plans, so much so that he may be in hysterics.  Such is life.  I say that a lot but I'd be lying if I said I always believed it.  Doing anything other than trying to get through each day with a smile and get done as much as I can is all that I've been able to try to do. 

This weekend, when I originally planned it in February, was to be a big one.  The Chicago Marathon was today.  I signed up to run it with my friend Gen.  Those plans fell by the wayside in May/June when I blew out my achilles tendon during a half marathon.  (I had committed to raising money for Atticus Circle through the Chicago Marathon.  Luckily I am able to do so through the Las Vegas Rock N'Roll Half Marathon in December.)  Suddenly the Chicago Marathon (much less any full marathon) was not in my future.  I've struggled a lot through the last few months without having the Chicago Marathon as a goal, something on the calendar that was definite and I was accountable for.  The whole time that I was having issues finding my focus again, both in life and in terms of running, Gen was busy training.  I have been so impressed with her the entire time.  She never complained and was always positive.  She gave me crap about hurting myself and being more careful, but it was sincere and never mean.

Today was the day.  Even though I couldn't physically run it with Gen, and even though I have 50 balls in the air right now that I am trying not to drop, there was no way that I wasn't going to be there to watch her and support her.  Since signing up for this race in February she has raised an enormous amount of money for cancer research.  She has trained and managed to be an incredible wife, mother, as well as run a successful business.  She has also been an incredible friend who has been there when many others haven't been.  I knew that it may be difficult to be there and that I may be a little jealous of her while she ran, but I wasn't going to miss it.  What I witnessed today was one of the most incredible acts of heroism that I have ever seen in my life.  This is not something that I say lightly.  It wasn't something that I thought I would see when the race started this morning.

I have been around athletics all my life even though I didn't always participate.  When the inspirational sports pieces come out during the Olympics, Super Bowl, etc. I am always in tears.  Those inspirational sports pieces make me more emotional than chick flicks, etc.  I have always had the utmost respect for people who persevere and are able to do so despite enormous difficulty.  In fact, I most often respect those people more than those with innate talent.  As Vince Lombardi said, talent comes before work only in the dictionary.

Gen raised a ton of money in a very impressive manner.  She dedicated/honored a different person with each mile.  She truly cared.  She had a "game plan" and was on track to meet it.  Then she blew out her knee.  She planned and God laughed.  She went to the medics, who taped her and cleared her to finish.  She was determined to finish the marathon as long as she wasn't harming herself, even if it wasn't according to her "game plan".  Mind you, by the time that she hurt her knee at roughly the half way point she had been elbowed in the face, peed on (no, I am not kidding), and pushed around. 

When we saw her at roughly mile 21 she was in pain.  She tried to cover it up and was doing a very impressive job trying to do so.  I kept my mouth shut.  We walked with her through mile 24; at that point the course was barricaded and we couldn't walk with her any more.  With each step I was more and more impressed with her and the true generosity and heroism she displayed with each and every painful step.  She was carrying a Flip Video Camera with her so that she could record each and every mile and tape who she was dedicating/honoring with that mile --- she had carefully planned this before the start of the race.  At mile 24 she pulled out the video camera and said that mile 24 was for me.  I was so thankful that I was wearing sunglasses because I knew that showing the tears that were in my eyes at that point, while she was in so much pain yet had her mind set on finishing, wasn't appropriate.  In fact, there were several points during those 3 miles that we walked with her that I was near tears.  For 13 miles she put pain behind perseverance.

The last .5 miles of the Chicago Marathon is tough.  I previously wrote about it after the Shamrock Shuffle in April.  You see --- it is uphill.  That is the last .5 miles of the Shamrock Shuffle as well.  When Gen and I ran it during the Shamrock Shuffle my achilles was on fire.  We made a deal to walk up the hill and then run it in for the last .2 miles.  Part of the deal was that when we hit that point in the Chicago Marathon we would be running up that hill together.  As Gen approached that final uphill I felt terrible, like I was letting her down and hadn't followed through on my promise.  Gen was in pain, it was apparent to those who knew her, but she wasn't letting it on to anyone else.  She was in pain but she somehow managed to jog the last .5 miles.  I don't know how she did it.  I don't know how she found the strength.  But she did.

Watching Gen finish the Chicago Marathon, despite everything that was working against her, was one of the most gutsy and heroic things that I have ever seen in my life.  She put those people she dedicated/honored first and put her "game plan" on the side to do it.  She threw out ego and pain to put others first.  I don't know that I could/would have done that.  I am forever changed as a result of seeing it.  It may not seem like much to you reading this but it meant so much to me.  Gen personified the phrase, "we plan and God laughs."  As a result of seeing her being so gutsy and heroic I understand the phrase a little more and I'm able to put everything in perspective a little more than I could 24 hours ago.

I'm not a particularly religious person, especially this year, when God has been laughing so hard.  Yom Kippur was 24 hours ago.  Yom Kippur is the most holy Jewish holiday.  On Yom Kippur, even though I fasted as I am commanded to do as a Jew, I ran.  To me the run was spiritual and I reflected during it.  I reflected on the last year.  I reflected on the miles I've run.  I reflected on the laughter and tears.  I reflected on the friends who have helped put the last year in perspective.  I reflected on my siblings who I couldn't imagine living without.  I reflected on making plans and having God laugh. 

Between my Yom Kippur run and Gen's heroism today I think I'm better able to face the year ahead.  My plans may fall by the wayside, however, I will continue to make them.  I'll embrace the unexpected/unplanned a little more than I have in the past.  I'll try to laugh a little bit more at the irony of it all. 

When I signed up for the Chicago Marathon last year I expected that my life would change, in some ways, by the time I crossed the finish line.  I expected crossing that finish line and being changed as a person.  My expectations were met, even though not in the way I had planned.  I learned a life lesson today through watching, rather than running, a marathon.

Memento Vivere

Last April I had the words "memento vivere" permanently placed on my wrist. The Latin translation is "remember to live". My sister and many of my friends mocked me asking if I really needed a reminder to remember to live. I said no, that I didn't need the reminder in a literal sense, but from time to time I would need to remind myself of the adage. Truthfully, I didn't think I would need the reminder so soon.

I'm starting to get a little worried. I have a half marathon 2 months from this very minute. I am behind in my mileage. Its not intentional. I've been on antibiotics for a few weeks now and I sound like I have been smoking several packs a day for years. I've tried to run but I can't take air in without hacking. I tried today, went to to track and everything, and a quarter mile in I had to stop. I walked a few miles and then walked a few miles on the treadmill on an incline. I'm worried about my endurance. I'm worried because my achilles is a little achy. I'm sitting here, with ice on my ankles, and all of a sudden I looked down to my wrist. Memento Vivere.

By worrying about mileage I'm not living at all. If anything, it is taking away from me "living". I have to remind myself not to focus on the negative but the positive and, by doing so, I will (ideally) remember to live. A 15k in a month. A 21k (half marathon) in 2 months. It will get done. Maybe it won't be as fast as I want, but I will finish it. Only if I have fun while training will I be living. Otherwise I'll be miserable. What is the point of doing any of this if I am miserable. So, if anyone has any suggestions about how to make this fun again please let me know.

Part of the problem is I have always equated fit people and athletes with being able to run distances. Marathons. Half marathons. Going out and just running 5 miles on a Saturday. I have to find a way for my beliefs (in this regard) to change. I'm making a pledge to try new things to help change my beliefs. Once I can breathe again I am going to try a spin class, get into a Bikram class, TRX training, etc. I may bitch and moan during the process, but maybe that will just signify that I am living.

Lectures, Balance, and Trying to do it All

Finding time to fit everything in is tough. Family. Work. Taking care of yourself. Sleep. Choices are involved in it all. Choices to put some things ahead of others, to put others ahead of you, etc. I haven't been so good at this lately. Last Saturday night I was lectured by my friends. It wasn't subtle but it was honest. They were concerned and saw things that I hadn't noticed. I've thought about it all week.

I was sick last week. It started as allergies and ended up as an infection. It happens to me annually when my allergies start in my sinuses and head south to my chest. Eventually I started antibiotics. It's not fun and I waited too long to do so because I was worried about too many other things and people and didn't put myself first. My sister Ali is sick too and has been all week also. Our dad is having surgery next week so we can't get him sick. That distracted me.

Why do I mention this? Because I can't let these things keep invading my time to focus on me and take care of me. I know why my friends lectured me and I truly understand why they did. I see it and realize it but I'm still not being proactive. Why? It pisses me off. I keep worrying about everyone else and not enough about me.

Granted I couldn't breath much of the week, but my running sucked. Resting much of the week was in my best interest but I could have found something to do to help me focus, train, and take care of me. Six months ago I thought I had figured so much of this out and was so good a out carving out time for me. It was easy then, though, because I was by myself without my family. I didn't have to report to anyone or check in daily. They were 1,000 miles away and as much as they were a part of my daily life they weren't. An email or text from 1,000 miles away is really different than being there and knowing and living each other's daily schedules, etc. It was different being 1,000 miles away and not having that direct feeling and reality of responsibility.

Don't get me wrong, I really like life up here and I love being around my family. My job is great and I love the people I work with. Being around the Badgers is amazing as well. I'm just having a tough time balancing it all --- the race is quickly approaching. I want to do well for me but also for Atticus Circle and many others.

Any suggestions out there? Things I can implement? Tools to use? I am not so shallow to think this can only apply to my running --- but applying it there will be a start.

Tonight I was so stupid as to try to run. I was supposed to do 5 miles today. After a mile I was hacking and coughing so badly that I couldn't breathe. I stopped. I got on the bike for a while, and then I stopped. i did some weights, some sit-ups, and tried not to feel terrible or that I had fallen behind. I didn't feel like this last year --- the sense of constantly being behind in training (and in life). About 9 weeks to go. I hope my posts get more positive and uplifting. Sorry about this one.

Bottom line is that I have so much respect for those people who are able to fit most of it in and to balance it all. You know who I am talking about; those people who make it all look easy. It isn't easy, and it can't be for them either. They are just doing a much better job than I am of finding a way to get it all in.